Difference between revisions of "Papacy"

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Pope
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{{Infobox_Contents |
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From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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topic_name = The Papacy |
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Jump to: navigation, search
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subtopics = [[Popes Index]]
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* [[Peter and the Papacy]]
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* Titles - [[Holy Father]] |
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opinion_pieces = {{short_opinions}} |
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}}
  
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The [[Pope]] is the head of [[Roman Catholicism|Roman Catholic Church]] and [[Eastern Catholic Churches]]. In addition to this spiritual role, the Pope is also head of the independent, sovereign [[Vatican City|State of the Vatican City]], a city-state entirely surrounded by the city of Rome. Prior to 1870, the Pope's temporal authority extended over a large area of central [[Italy]], a territory formally known as the "Patrimony of St Peter" under the terms of the [[Donation of Constantine]], but more familiar as the [[Papal States]]. The office of the Pope is informally called the [[Papacy]] and formally called the Pontificate; his ecclesiastical jurisdiction is called the [[Holy See]] (''Sancta Sedes''). Catholics worldwide consider each pope to be the succesor of [[St. Peter]]. The current Pope is Benedict XVI.
  
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For Benedict's solution, see Benedict's solution
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===Other Popes===
  
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An antipope is a person who claims the Pontificate without being canonically and properly elected to it. The existence of an antipope is usually due either to doctrinal controversy within the Church, or to confusion as to who is the legitimate Pope at the time.
  
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The heads of the [[Coptic Church]] and the [[Eastern Orthodox Church of Alexandria]] are also called "Popes" for historical reasons, with the former being called "'''Coptic Pope'''" or "'''Pope of Alexandria'''" and the latter called "'''Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa'''"; the parallel construction "'''Pope of Rome'''" is uncommon but occasionally used.
  
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The pope is now the official 151st pokemon
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===Word origins===
  
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The word "Pope" is derived from the Greek word ''pappas'' ("father") and was originally used in an affectionate sense of any priest or bishop (in the exact same way that modern priests are addressed as "Father"). In the 4th and 5th centuries, ''pappas'' (Latinized as ''papa'', a form still preserved in Spanish and Portuguese was still frequently used of any bishop in the West, although it gradually came to be increasingly restricted to its modern, exclusive use by the Bishop of Rome. In the East, especially in Greece and Russia, priests are still referred to as ''pappas''.
  
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The 'Pope (or as the French call him Le Pope) The Pope is selected from a collection of really ancient members of the clergy, based on his ability to sexually restrain himself in the presence of altar boys, which is why there can be only one at any given time. Over the years, the number of Papal candidates has been dropping due to abstinence from procreation, proving that evolution does exist and that God doesn't.  
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As early as the third century, the Bishop of Alexandria exercised a high degree of central control of suffragan Egyptian bishops, in a manner consciously similar to the jurisdiction of the Bishop of Rome; the Alexandrian archbishop was given precedence immediately after the Roman pontiff by the [[Council of Nicea]], and adopted the title "Pope of Alexandria," which still forms an integral part of the titles of the Greek Orthodox "Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa" and of the Coptic "Pope of Alexandria and of the See of Saint Mark the Apostle."
  
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Pope.Papal candidates typically wear red capes and are capable of subsonic flight, they are also able to destroy condoms using the power of sight alone. Papal candidates often take off at approximately 6:00AM every morning to visit God and find out what he's bitching about this time. Traffic control is handled by angel's who are deemed unfit to serve in the Angel Forces due to their alcoholism and sex-offender status. Upon arriving at Heaven's Gate 16, Papal candidates are directed to a waiting line. Due to long wait times and a 2:00PM closing time (standard across all of Heaven's government services), Papal candidates never find out what God wants, and they make shit up instead.
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===Office and nature===
  
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The iPope is an anthropomorphic personification of all the fear in the world (the Antichrist). The iPope comes into existence when one of the Old Ones sacrifices itself for the ill of mankind. This, unfortunately, happens all too often.  
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The title "Pope" is an informal one; the formal title of the Pope is "Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, [[Apostolic Succession|Successor]] of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God," although this is rarely seen or used in full (by comparison, the formal title of the Orthodox Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria is "Successor of Saint Mark the Apostle, Shepherd of Shepherds, Father of Fathers, Supreme Pontiff of All Metropolitans and Bishops, Judge of the World, and Beloved of Christ", often called the "Ecumenical Judge"; the Coptic Pope is styled "Pope and Patriarch of the See of Alexandria and of All the Predication of the Evangelist St. Mark"). In canon law he is referred to as the "Roman Pontiff" (''Pontifex Romanus''). The Pope is styled "Your Holiness" (''Sanctitas Vostra'') and is frequently referred to as "the Holy Father."
  
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The iPope (as there can only be one of them) stands anywhere from four to eight feet tall. The iPope has six pairs of translucent wings, and eyes the size of dinner plates (eight inches across exactly). The ipope has pincers on its belly, and can use it's stomach-mouth to subsume prey, as any actual food cannot go into the false mouth which it creates.  
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The Pope's signature is usually in the format "''NN. PP. x''" (''e.g.'', [[Pope Paul VI]] signed his name as "Paulus PP. VI"), and his name is frequently accompanied in inscriptions by the abbreviation "Pont. Max." or "P.M." (abbreviation of the ancient title ''Pontifex Maximus'', literally "Greatest Bridge-maker", but usually translated "Supreme Pontiff"). The signature of Papal bulls is customarily ''NN. Episcopus Ecclesia Catholicae'' ("NN. Bishop of the Catholic Church"), while the heading is ''NN. Episcopus Servus Servorum Dei'' ("NN. Bishop and Servant of the Servants of God"), the latter title dating to the time of [[Pope Gregory I]] ''the Great''. Other titles used in some official capacity include ''Summus Pontifex'' ("Highest Pontiff"), ''Sanctissimus Pater'' and ''Beatissimus Pater'' ("Most Holy Father" and "Most Blessed Father"), ''Sanctissimus Dominus Noster'' ("Our Most Holy Lord"), and, in the [[Middle Ages|Mediaeval period]], ''Dominus Apostolicus'' ("Apostolic Lord").
  
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In recent years, following the implosion of the western world and Mushroom Kingdom after the inauguration of George Bush, the Pope switched sides and has recently found part time employment as the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. The current pope is former soul legend Jackie Wilson (weekends only between 9am-5pm). At all other times the Vatican displays the humorous sign "Gone fishing" with the helpful advice that in cases of emergency one should "Destroy all records of paedophile's stored with the FBI".  
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The Pope's official residence is the Palace of the Vatican, and he also possesses a summer palace at Castel Gandolfo (believed to be situated on the site of the ancient city-state Alba Longa). Historically the official residence of the Pope was the Lateran Palace, donated by the Roman Emperor Constantinus I. The former Papal summer palace, the Quirinal Palace, has subsequently been the official residence of the Kings of Italy and Presidents of the Italian Republic.
  
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Contents [hide]
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Contrary to popular belief, it is the Pope's ecclesiastical jurisdiction (the Holy See) and not his secular jurisdiction (Vatican City) which conducts international relations; for hundreds of years, the Pope's court (the Roman Curia) has functioned as the government of the Catholic Church. The name "Holy See" (also "Apostolic See") is in ecclesiastical terminology the ordinary jurisdiction of the Bishop of Rome (including the Roman Curia); the Pope's various honours, powers, and privileges within the Catholic Church and the international community derive from his Episcopate of Rome in lineal succession from the Apostle St. Peter (see Apostolic Succession). Consequently Rome has traditionally occupied a central position in the Catholic Church, although this is not necessarily so. The Pope derives his Pontificate from being Bishop of Rome but is not obligated to reside in Rome; according to the Latin formula ubi Papa, ibi Curia, wherever the Pope resides is the central government of the Church, provided that the Pope is Bishop of Rome. As such, between 1309 and 1378 the Popes resided not in Rome but in Avignon, a period often called the Babylonian Captivity in allusion to the Biblical exile of Israel (see Avignon Papacy).
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1 Papacity
 
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1.1 Environment
 
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2 Pope in Deanism
 
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2.1 Pope: In a nutshell
 
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3 Biography
 
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4 Things the pope enjoys
 
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5 Infallibility
 
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6 The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte
 
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7 The Sausageness of the Papacy
 
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8 The Chickeness of the Papacy
 
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9 The Papacy and Sports
 
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10 The Taxidermy theory
 
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11 Pope John Paul v2.0
 
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12 Continuity of the Papacy
 
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13 The Popemobile
 
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14 The Pope's Hat
 
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15 Discography
 
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16 Feature films
 
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17 The Pope Today
 
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18 Papal Collectives
 
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19 Selection of a New Pope  
 
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20 Futurepope
 
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21 The Pope's CV
 
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22 Catching a Pope (live)  
 
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23 Super-Pope?
 
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24 Ironic Pope
 
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25 Byronic Pope
 
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26 Pope Eggs
 
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27 Footnotes
 
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28 See also
 
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[edit] Papacity
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Catholic tradition maintains that the institution of the Pontificate can be found in the [[Bible]], and cites certain key passages in support of this contention. Chief among these passages is [[Matthew 16]]:18-19, wherein Jesus Christ says to [[Apostle Peter|Peter]]:
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The common factor in all kinds of papacities is the sense of autosufficiency, implying that the definition of pope is the one uplifting the sense of autosufficiency, f.ex. through silently repeating: I'm the Best, because only I think like me. [1] The concept of papacity is subdivided into at least two subconcepts, namely the Christian papacity, and the Discordian papacity, then ignoring the so trivially obvious concepts of major popes like the ones on the political scene, and minor popes that everybody have experienced f.ex. in their work as obstacles to real achievements. The discordian papacity concept is discussed more in detail in the article of Discordia, and major and minor popes under their respective article – this article is about the Christian pope, AKA the iPope.
 
  
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[edit] Environment
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<blockquote>
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The iPope lives in a dimension only partially connected with this world, known as the Vatican. This land is created by the iPope, as are all "creatures" that live there. The iPope acts like a spider in this sense, casting it's web out through the world for creatures which to feed on.  
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''"Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father Who is in Heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter ''("The Rock" derived from Greek)'', and on this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give you the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven: and whatever you bind on Earth shall be bound in Heaven, and whatever you loose on Earth shall be loosed in Heaven".''
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</blockquote>
  
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===Status and authority===
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he played that part as emperor[edit] Pope in Deanism
 
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Pope Dean, leader and founder of Deanism.The Pope in Deanism is a serious Pope. Ha, just kidding! The Pope of Deanism is always Pope Dean (something). The current Pope is Pope Dean Kilpatrickus who will probably die around 2300AD (he may be considered to be a Super-Pope, see below). He is sometimes seen watching Have I Got News For You.
 
  
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Pope Kilpatrickus invented the Anti-Anti-Freeze, which is better than Alcohol, apparently. But it would explain why he speaks slurred.  
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The status and authority of the Pope in the Catholic Church was dogmatically defined by the First Vatican Council in its Dogmatic Constitution of the Church of Christ (July 18, 1870). The first chapter of this document is entitled "On the institution of the apostolic primacy in blessed Peter", and states that (s.1) "according to the Gospel evidence, a primacy of jurisdiction over the whole church of God was immediately and directly promised to the blessed apostle Peter and conferred on him by Christ the lord" and that (s.6) "if anyone says that blessed Peter the apostle was not appointed by Christ the lord as prince of all the apostles and visible head of the whole church militant; or that it was a primacy of honour only and not one of true and proper jurisdiction that he directly and immediately received from our lord Jesus Christ Himself: let him be anathema."
  
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[edit] Pope: In a nutshell
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The Dogmatic Constitution's second chapter, "On the permanence of the primacy of blessed Peter in the Roman pontiffs", states that (s.1) "that which our lord Jesus Christ [...] established in the blessed apostle Peter [...] must of necessity remain forever, by Christ's authority, in the church which, founded as it is upon a rock, will stand firm until the end of time," that (s.3) "whoever succeeds to the chair of Peter obtains by the institution of Christ Himself, the primacy of Peter over the whole church", and that (s.5) "if anyone says that it is not by the institution of Christ the lord Himself (that is to say, by divine law) that blessed Peter should have perpetual successors in the primacy over the whole church; or that the Roman pontiff is not the successor of blessed Peter in this primacy: let him be anathema."
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The current iPope, Benedict MMXVI
 
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Benedict's Predecessor as iPope, Joe Ratze II, as depicted on a catholic PR poster in a recent campaign which has picked out the great protestant-catholic church war in the 16th century as a central theme
 
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Pope Phaseolus XIX after the coronationThe iPope was invented by a man who like to have Halloween all the time called God. The iPope is also one of the few people who don't have good christian moral values. iPope DJ David Tennant II O.B.E is the current pope, aka Michael Brennan. Sirrah!!!!! The iPope, or as the French would say, L'The iPope, is often referred to as Father Ted and owns half of Zimbabwe. He is, however, unaccountable for it's peoples' safety. Muhammad Ali often takes advantage of this fact by taking a Sunday drive through the Zimbabwean plains, running down all those who stand in his way. When asked for comment on his heinous acts at a recent press conference, The iPope had this to say:  
 
  
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"I pity the fool, who dare live in my constituency." (This is the believed cause of death for John Lennon)
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The Dogmatic Constitution's third chapter, "On the power and character of the primacy of the Roman pontiff," states that (s.1) "the definition of the ecumenical council of Florence, which must be believed by all faithful Christians, namely that the apostolic see and the Roman pontiff hold a world-wide primacy, and that the Roman pontiff is the successor of blessed Peter, the prince of the apostles, true vicar of Christ, head of the whole church and father and teacher of all Christian people," that (s.2) "by divine ordinance, the Roman church possesses a pre-eminence of ordinary power over every other church, and that the jurisdictional power of the Roman pontiff is both episcopal and immediate" and that "clergy and faithful, of whatever rite and dignity, both singly and collectively, are bound to submit to this power by the duty of hierarchical subordination and true obedience, and this not only in matters concerning faith and morals, but also in those which regard the discipline and government of the church throughout the world."
  
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The word Catholic is actually a derivative of cat lick i.e. 'to lick a cat'. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to kitten huffing, though he is on the record as saying he "never inhaled."
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The powers of the Pope are defined by the Dogmatic Constitution (ch.3, s.8) such that "he is the supreme judge of the faithful, and that in all cases which fall under ecclesiastical jurisdiction recourse may be had to his judgement" and that "the sentence of the apostolic see (than which there is no higher authority) is not subject to revision by anyone, nor may anyone lawfully pass judgement thereupon" (can. 331 defines the power of the Pope as "supreme, full, immediate and universal ordinary power in the Church, and he can always freely exercise this power"). It also dogmatically defined (ch.4, s.9) the doctrine of Papal infallibility, sc. such that
  
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The iPope is 299 years of age, with a standard deviation of 8.3.  
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:when the Roman Pontiff speaks ''ex cathedra'', that is, when in the exercise of his office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, in virtue of his supreme apostolic authority, he defines a doctrine concerning faith or morals to be held by the whole church, he possesses, by the divine assistance promised to him in blessed Peter, that infallibility which the divine Redeemer willed His church to enjoy in defining doctrine concerning faith or morals. Therefore, such definitions of the Roman pontiff are of themselves, and not by the consent of the church, irreformable.
  
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===Political role===
  
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The iPope is not human and chooses his next body to assimilate when his current one dies. He always chooses old incontinent men for easy assimilation through the bowel area. When between bodies the Pope looks something like a cross between a badger and a Commodore 64.  
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Though the progressive Christianisation of the Roman Empire in the Fourth century did not confer upon bishops civil authority within the state, the gradual withdrawal of imperial authority during the 5th century left the Pope the senior Imperial civilian official in Rome, as bishops were increasingly directing civil affairs in other cities of the Western Empire. This status as a secular and civil leader was vividly displayed by Pope Leo I's confrontation with Attila in 452 and was substantially increased in 754, when the Frankish ruler Pepin the Short donated to the Pope a strip of territory which formed the core of the so-called Papal States (properly the Patrimony of St. Peter). In 800, Pope Leo III crowned the Frankish ruler Charlemagne as Roman Emperor, a major step toward establishing what later became known as the Holy Roman Empire; from that date it became the Pope's prerogative to crown the Emperor, a tradition which continued until Emperor Charles V, the last Holy Roman Emperor to be crowned by the Pope (subsequent Emperors never received coronation), and which was partially revived by Napoléon Bonaparte. As has been hitherto mentioned, the Pope's sovereignty over the Papal States ended in 1870 with their annexation by Italy.
  
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In addition to the Pope's position as a territorial ruler and foremost prince bishop of Christendom (especially prominent with the Renaissance Popes like Pope Alexander VI an ambitious if spectacularly corrupt politico, and Pope Julius II, a formidable general and statesman) and as the spiritual head of the Holy Roman Empire (especially prominent during periods of contention with the Emperors, such as during the Pontificates of Pope Gregory VII and Pope Alexander III), the Pope also possessed a degree of political and temporal authority in his capacity as Supreme Pontiff. Some of the most striking examples of Papal political authority are the Bull Laudabiliter in 1155 (authorising Henry II of England to invade Ireland), the Bull Inter Caeteras in 1493 (leading to the Treaty of Torsedillas in 1494, which divided the world into areas of Spanish and Portuguese rule) the Bull Regnans in Excelsis in 1570 (excommunicating Elizabeth I of England and purporting to release all her subjects from their allegiance to her), the Bull Inter Gravissimas in 1582 (establishing the Gregorian Calendar).  
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The Pope conversing with his Grand Master SauronThe iPope steals baby's souls and feeds them to God. This is also known as "cot death". The iPope is the overlord and master of The V.A.T (the verily astronomical tax), the largest form of tax on Earth. In the late 1920s he used the awesome power of the Vatican City, which sports a high 70% tax (spent primarily on silencing outraged shopkeepers) to write his grocery list on the sun. With this achievement, he won the rank of pope. However, this caused a chain reaction, the result of which is that the sun will become a volleyball in 2037 as opposed to millions or billions of years from now. There is great debate over whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. He has also been known to shoot lasers from his fingertips (which consequently has left him without fingerprints), eyes, and sometimes his large laser cannon that is carried by his pet bear, Popo. Legendary racist and Irishman the iPope is proud to be a bigoted backwards hypocrite.  
 
  
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Born in 1743 in Westphalenstrassehaussenburgsteinschnellschnellkartoffelkopf, the Pope was a founding member of Germany's National Socialist Party, the NSDAP or Nazi Party for short. His lifelong hatred for Jews and blacks led him inevitably to the Catholic Church where he has made it his mission to spread lies to the ignorant and misery to the poor.
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===Death or Resignation, and election===
  
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====Death====
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"I see you, you sweaty heathen"His favourite hobbies include sitting on his big throne there, wearing big hats, and standing on balconies. He particularly enjoys the irony that as a notorious anti-Semite, he has far more fabulous wealth than he could ever count in the few remaining years of his life.
 
  
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It also pleases him that millions of black Catholics die in absolute poverty every year while he shits in a solid gold crapper. to celebrate, he has christened their day of defeat I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day. 
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The current regulations regarding a Papal interregnum -- i.e., a Sede Vacante "vacant see" -- were promulgated by John Paul II in his 1996 document Universi Dominici Gregis. During the Sede Vacante, the Sacred College of Cardinals, composed of the Pope's principal advisors and assistants, is collectively responsible for the government of the Church and of the Vatican itself, under the direction of the Cardinal Chamberlain; however, canon law specifically forbids the Cardinals from introducing any innovation in the government of the Church during the vacancy of the Holy See. Any decision that needs the assent of the Pope has to wait until a new Pope has been elected and takes office.
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The face of power, unlimited power!He cites getting his mitre signed by Mick McCarthy when he was permitted to meet the Irish team during Italia '90 as his proudest moment.  
 
  
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Amongst his many enemies are numbered Muhammad (a piece be upon him), Binyamin Netanyahu, Confucius, George W. Bush, Siddhartha Gautama, Auntie Poulet, The Rt. Hon. Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley M.P., and The Reverend Dr. Sun Myung Moon. However, all of his most embarrassing defeats have come at the hands of The Queen who just cannot help but son The Pope all over the world.  
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The Pope's death is officially determined by the Cardinal Chamberlain by gently tapping the late Pope's head thrice with a golden hammer and calling his birth name three times. A doctor may or may not have already determined that the Pope had passed away. The Cardinal Chamberlain then retrieves the Fisherman's Ring. Usually the ring is on the Pope's right hand. But with Paul VI, he had stopped wearing the ring during the last years of his reign, and left it in his desk. In other cases the ring might have been removed for medical reasons. The Chamberlin cuts the ring in two in the presence of the Cardinals. The deceased Pope's seals are defaced, to keep the Pope's seal from ever being used again, and his personal apartment is sealed.
  
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Many have sought to infiltrate the Vatican City but all have been turned back as it is guarded by an elite squad of Clinjas, and not in fact (as is common belief) by Canadians. The Pope fears only one thing, and that is an auto accident with with the Anti-Pope. If the pope and the Anti-Pope meet, the result will be the total annihilation of both, producing a strong burst of spaghetti noodles. The theory that such a meeting was responsible for the explosion in Tunguska, Siberia in 1908 can safely be dismissed, however. So far CERN has only been able to create very small Anti-Popes (less than 4.71 Ångström tall, including the funny hat). massive erection
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The body then lies in state for a number of days before being interred in the crypt of a leading church or cathedral; the Popes of the Twentieth century have all been interred in St. Peter's Basilica, but it is expected that the reigning Pope, Pope John Paul II, will be interred in his native Poland. A nine-day period of mourning (novem dialis) follows after the interment of the late Pope.  
  
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In 1984 The Pope decreed the Four Neon Virtues.
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====Resignation====
  
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The Pope shows no remorse, because he is also the immortal love child of King Kong and Elvis. The Pope is over 10 feet tall. He can inhale the vacuum of space with no problem, and has done so on several occasions, although his (now archived) mom did not approve. His laser beam eyes can puncture a man's heart from 25 meters, and his laser feet can penetrate a woman's pancreas from 50. His hands are fully interchangeable with any weaponry he comes across. He is cold to the touch.
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The Code of Canon Law [http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P16.HTM 332 §2] states, ''If it happens that the Roman Pontiff resigns his office, it is required for validity that the resignation is made freely and properly manifested but not that it is accepted by anyone.''  
  
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It was widely reported in June and July 2002 that the Pope John Paul II firmly refuted the speculation of his resignation using Canon 332, in a letter to the Milan daily newspaper ''Corriere della Sera''.
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Do ya know where the fuck you aaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!Do not piss this man off. You will regret it. If you do upset him, he will excommunicate you. This is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a person. Ever. Seriously. The Pope's favorite saying (pointing fingers), "Don't hate anyone, but I hate Dan Brown". (See also U.S. v. Pope (2049))
 
  
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The Pope requires that everyone be bored once per week, in his honour, on the last day of the week. This is usually achieved using a medieval "mild" torture device entitled Mass. Mass (male), has the capability to bore anyone within 30 seconds of conversation, and cause suicide within 60. Anyone failing to receive at least 40 seconds of Mass per week, will be archived, as will anyone convinced that Monday is not the start of the week.
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Nevertheless, 332 §2 has given rise to speculation that either:
  
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The most ferocious weapon deployed by the Pope is the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad who follow his every ferocious papal command.  
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* The current Pope will resign as his health fails, or
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* A properly manifested legal instrument has already been drawn up that puts into effect his resignation in the event of his incapacity to perform his duties.
  
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The current Pope is Pope Pontificem, which loosely translates into Pope of all Popes, at 15 years old, his first act as Pope was to change the Vatican's name into the much more phat The Popes' Peeps.
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====Election====
  
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The Pope is also known for being the owner of the Pope Mobile.  
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The Pope was originally chosen by those senior clergymen resident in and near Rome. In 1059, the electorate was restricted to the Cardinals of the Holy Roman Church, and the individual votes of all Cardinal Electors were made equal in 1179. The Pope is usually a member of the Sacred College of Cardinals, but theoretically any male Catholic (including a layman) may be elected; Pope Urban VI was the last Pope who was not already a cardinal at the time of his election. Canon law requires that if a layman or non-bishop is elected, he receives episcopal consecration from the Dean of the College of Cardinals before assuming the Pontificate. Under present canon law, the Pope is elected by the cardinal electors, comprising those cardinals who are under the age of 80.
  
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The Popes Magical Ring the most sought after piece of the popes wardrobe. "The Magical" ring is what gives the pope his magical powers; IE. His Laser Beam Eyes, and His ability to Fly. If stolen the pope becomes a mortal being once again and who ever posses the Magical "Pope Ring" inherits his magical abilities. The lengthy process to pick the new pope is actually a death match for the Ring, and who ever comes out the winner becomes the new Pope. However at some point the Pope must travel to Mordor, accompanied by his best friend, Gordon Brown, and drop the ring into the fires of Mt. Snowdon, before the evil Lord Devil can get it. The pressure of bearing such a powerful ring may turn the Pope into a frail old man. Wait a minute...  
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The Second Council of Lyons was convened on May 7, 1274, to regulate the election of the Pope. This Council decreed that the cardinal electors must meet within ten days of the Pope's death, and that they must remain in seclusion until a Pope has been elected; this was prompted by the three-year Sede Vacante following the death of Pope Clement IV in 1268. By the mid-Sixteenth century, the electoral process had more or less evolved into its present form, allowing for alteration in the time between the death of the Pope and the meeting of the cardinal electors.
  
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[edit] Biography
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Traditionally the vote was conducted by acclamation, by selection by committee, or by plenary vote. Acclamation was the simplest procedure, consisting entirely of a voice vote, and was last used in 1621. The reigning Pope, Pope John Paul II, has abolished vote by acclamation and by selection by committee, and henceforth all Popes will be elected by full vote of the Sacred College of Cardinals by ballot.
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The Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI (pronounced 'Ziv-vy') was born on March 16. 1942 and died during a gangster drive-by shooting in August 1988. The tragic murder is by many thought to be fake and that The Pope XVII is in fact alive and well. There are many people who have claimed seeing The Pope in company with such greats as; Tupac,The Side Street Doormats Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Ed McDaniel at numerous locations around and near to Shabaaz Liqiuor, Rumor has it that the man himself is still manning the holy bong, along with the righteous cheetos and saintly reruns of "Fat Albert takes one for the team".  
 
  
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The election of the Pope almost always takes place in the Sistine Chapel, in a meeting called a "conclave" (so called because twenty days after the Pope's death, the present cardinal electors are theoretically locked in, cum clavi, until they elect a new Pope). Three cardinals are chosen by lot to collect the votes of absent cardinal electors (by reason of illness), three are chosen by lot to count the votes, and three are chosen by lot to review the count of the votes. The ballots are distributed and each cardinal elector writes the name of his choice on it and pledges aloud that he is voting for "one whom under God I think ought to be elected" before depositing his vote in a large chalice placed on the altar. Each ballot is read aloud by the presiding Cardinal, who then pierces the ballot with a needle and thread, stringing all the ballots together and tying the ends of the thread to ensure accuracy and honesty. Balloting continues until a Pope is elected by a two-thirds majority (since the promulgation of Universi Dominici Gregis the rules allow for a simple majority after a deadlock of twelve days).
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It's hard out there for a pope.The Pope lives on a planet for as long as possible, stealing away the most vital resources (The chiva)... It combined the DNA it found here with its own, and gave birth to those creatures up on Death Peak. Eventually the young must migrate to other planets... to repeat the cycle... It will continue forever.  
 
  
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[edit] Things the pope enjoys
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One of the most famous parts of the conclave is the means by which the results of a ballot are announced to the world. Once the ballots are counted and bound together, they are burned in a special oven erected in the Sistine Chapel, with the smoke escaping through a small chimney visible from St Peter's Square. The ballots from an unsuccessful vote are burned along with a chemical compound in order to produce black smoke, or "fumata nera." (Traditionally wet straw was used to help create the black smoke, but a number of "false alarms" in past conclaves have brought about this concession to modern chemistry.) When a vote is successful, the ballots are burned alone, sending white smoke ("fumata bianca") through the chimney and announcing to the world the election of a new Pope.
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The Pope rocks out his favourite Pantera hit Cowboys from Hell"Changing his name
 
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Wearing J-String
 
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Watching Desperate Housewives (not the TV show, the real thing!!)
 
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Dissecting cats, dogs, horses and other animals.
 
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Eating young children (with the help of Michel Jack's son)
 
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Participating in the World Wrestling Championship
 
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Drinking bottles of Pepto-Bismol
 
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Posing for PLAYGAY
 
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Knocking on people's doors then running away
 
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Playing with fire
 
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Sucking 40's at 48 speed
 
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Drawing on Oompa Loompas' faces while they sleep
 
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Not wearing underwear while he preaches
 
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Kitten Huffing
 
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Hoarding all of the TMX (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmos and cuddling with them at night
 
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Sucking on toes
 
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Spooning
 
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Castrating your gymnasium
 
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Undressing Ken Dolls in his room when he's alone
 
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Bacterial vaginosis
 
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Personal freedom from sin
 
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Looking at edited pics of his face
 
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Amazing Grace
 
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Mormons
 
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Pwning sum n00bz, lololol. ROFLcopter!
 
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Lighting bag's of flaming poo on the doorsteps of other Religious Leaders.
 
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Double Penetration Porn
 
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The Television X 10-minute preview
 
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Smoking PCP
 
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His Penis hat
 
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Prostitutes!
 
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Doing Your mom
 
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LOUD Black Metal music e.g. Slayer, Behemoth, Children of Bodom, Gorgoroth etc
 
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Rockin' out to Pantera all day and all night
 
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Miami Vice
 
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sex scandals
 
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Partying with Wayne and Garth
 
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Riding on the train without a valid ticket and not getting caught by the ticket inspector
 
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Doing donuts in the Popemobile
 
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Eating donuts in the Popemobile
 
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PWNING your mom in the Popemobile
 
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Eating hookers in the Popemobile
 
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Doing hookers who are eating donuts in the Popemobile
 
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Doing Your mom in the Popemobile
 
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Eating Donuts shaped like hookers doing Your mom in the Popemobile
 
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Taking his Popemobile in for an M.O.T.
 
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The number 666
 
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Sleeping in on a Sunday morning
 
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Seven ants. No more, no less.
 
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Doing my ex-wife
 
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Pushing Little Children With His Fully Automatic
 
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He likes to push the weak around
 
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Watching the lawn burn
 
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His iPope
 
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A clearly drunken Pope escapes from his personal Jet, The SkyPope IV, after an extended communion sessionPiña Colada
 
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Getting caught in the rain
 
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The company of Michael Jackson at night
 
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Beer, tequila, coke and many, many hooker nuns
 
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Pwning Mexicans in the Popemobile
 
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Sharing Jesus-juice with little boys
 
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Drinking Jesus-Juice
 
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Getting drunk by drinking wine out of the Holy Grail
 
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Playa' hating on god
 
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Square Dancing
 
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The Electric Slide
 
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Following the hawk
 
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Playing Holy Craps
 
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Having naked pillow fights with nuns
 
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Having naked pillow fights with the priests
 
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Rubbing holy oil over himself and rolling in the grass
 
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Peeing in the holy water
 
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Playing hide and seek in the confession boxes
 
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Egging people while he is driving in the pope mobile
 
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Taking a bath in the holy water
 
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Being a hooker's "savior"  
 
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Encouraging young children to cut themselves in the shape of the cross
 
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Getting killed by that butt ugly guy from "Sin City"
 
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Drinking all the holy wine, then using the font as a bidet.
 
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Congregating with his minions
 
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Doing Altar boys
 
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Teabagging
 
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Playing "Psychobilly Freakout" on Guitar Hero 2
 
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Ten second naps while preaching.
 
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The Penis Song.
 
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Crumpin'
 
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[edit] Infallibility
 
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The Pope is widely held to be infallible. This caused a minor schism in the church when, in 1307, he stated "I am not the Pope." Approximately 3,000,021 people have an active wish to do the same thing, that is, to not be the Pope. 2,897,301 of them would first inform a Cardinal that he was, in fact a superhuman.  
 
  
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Other pope superpowers are ubiquity, telepathy, inflammability and rockabilly.  
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The Dean of the College of Cardinals then asks the successfully elected Cardinal two solemn questions. First he asks, "Do you freely accept your election?" If he replies with the word "Accepto," his reign as Pope begins at that instant, not at the coronation ceremony several days afterward. The Dean then asks, "By what name shall you be called?" The new Pope then announces the name he has chosen for himself (starting in 535, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate; the names are not based on any system other than general honorifics, and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors, and political similarity).
  
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Teaching of the pope which are not infallible are known as "papal bull".  
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The new Pope is led through the "Door of Tears" to a dressing room in which three sets of white Papal vestments ("immantatio") await: literally small, medium, and large. Donning the appropriate vestments and re-emerging into the Sistine Chapel, the new Pope is given the "Fisherman's Ring" by the Cardinal Camerlegno, whom he either reconfirms or reappoints. The Pope then assumes a place of honor as the rest of the Cardinals wait in turn to offer their first "obedience" ("adoratio"), and to receive his blessing.
  
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The Pope himself has placed the following self-portrait here here so that all can see his omniscient, omnivorous, omnipotent, omni-hatchback greatness in its purest, most idealized form:  
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The senior cardinal deacon then announces from a balcony over St. Peter's Square the following proclamation: Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum! Habemus Papam! ("I announce to you a great joy! We have a Pope!")
  
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--Image missing--
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Until 1978, the Pope's election was followed in a few days by a procession in great pomp and circumstance from the Sistine Chapel to St. Peter's Basilica, with the newly-elected Pope borne in the sedia gestatoria. There the Pope was crowned with the triregnum and he gave his first blessing as Pope, the famous Urbi et Orbi ("to the City [Rome] and to the World"). Another famed part of the coronation was the lighting of a torch which would flare brightly and promptly extinguish, with the admonition Sic transit gloria mundi ("Thus fades worldly glory"). Traditionally, the pope-elect takes the Papal oath (the so called "Oath against modernism") at his coronation, but John Paul I and later John Paul II have refused to do so.
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The image could not be found.
 
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There was a problem displaying the image. The person who attempted to place the image failed to do so. One might say he or she was fallible. "having naked pillow fights with nuns"  
 
  
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The Pope can also fly, eat a live mnkey whole, run faster then a locamotive.  
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As has been hitherto noted, the Latin term Sede Vacante ("vacant seat") refers to a Papal interregnum, or the period between the death of the Pope and the election of his successor. From this term is derived the name Sedevacantist, which designates a category of dissident, schismatic Catholics who maintain that there is no canonically and legitimately elected Pope, and that there is therefore a Sede Vacante; one of the most common reasons for holding this belief is the idea that the reforms of the Second Vatican Council and especially the replacement of the Tridentine Mass with the Novus Ordo Missae are heretical, and that, per the dogma of Papal infallibility (see above), it is impossible for a valid Pope to have done these things.  
  
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[edit] The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte
 
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It is also believed that the Pope reproduces every 2 years asexually in a special ceremony known as "La Bella Notte" (The Beautiful Night), in which a foetus-like entity hatches and bursts violently from a special pouch deep within the Pope's abdomen, and then is carefully placed by cardinals in a customised hyperbaric chamber deep within a metal vat/can entitled the Vatican, to be raised on a diet of heathen blood.
 
  
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It is only after full maturity of the foetus has occured that it has gained the complete physical similarity of the Parent pope. The Vatican is then opened using a Holy can opener. It is then that the Child Pope is permitted to roam the corridors of VAT City for a single night in a blood-thirsty lust to hunt down and consume the entrails of the Parent Pope in order to seize power of the Vatican (a ceremony known as "La Notte Sanguinante", a.k.a The Bloody Night), and rule for 2 years until the process is repeated again, whereupon the current Pope is once again devoured by its own child.
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===Objections to the Papacy===
  
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[edit] The Sausageness of the Papacy
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The Pope's position as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church is dogmatic and therefore not open to debate or dispute within the Catholic Church; the First Vatican Council anathematised all who dispute the Pope's primacy of honour and of jurisdiction (it is lawful to discuss the precise nature of that primacy, provided that such discussion does not violate the terms of the Council's Dogmatic Constitution). However, the Pope's authority is not undisputed outside the Catholic Church; these objections differ from denomination to denomination, but can roughly be outlined as (1.) objections to the extent of the primacy of the Pope; and (2.) objections to the institution of the Papacy itself.
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Famous conspiracy theorist Tanstaafl theorises that there is no Pope, and hasn't been since 1987, when aliens, working with the Illuminati and the trilateral Bildenbergers, replaced the Pope with a large smoked sausage with hands (to wave to the crowds). To date, this theory is accepted only by Rocket Scientists from the Nebraska area and all Canadians.  
 
  
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[edit] The Chickeness of the Papacy
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Some non-Catholic Christian denominations, such as the Assyrian Church of the East, the Oriental Orthodox Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the Anglican Communion, accept the doctrine of Apostolic Succession, and therefore accept (to varying extents) the claim that the Pope as successor to St. Peter is heir to Petrine primacy of honour. These churches deny, however, the claim that the Pope is also heir to Petrine primacy of jurisdiction. Because none of these denominations recognise the First Vatican Council as ecumenical, they regard its definitions of Papal jurisdiction and infallibility (and anathematisation of those who do not accept them) as non-binding.
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Many eyewitnesses have stated that the Pope is in fact a chicken. It is not known why the church has elected to go for a small bird as their earthly leader. What is known is that the cardinals do their best to hide the true nature of the Pope with large covering of clothes. In past times, all popes were plucked to make it easier to hide the truth, but in later years, the Popes have been reluctant to go through this painful procedure. As a result, telltale feathers have been accidentally displayed in public. Also, at least one cardinal has choked to death on one of them.  
 
  
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An attempt was made to expose the Pope as a chicken. His Holiness was served a tasty McChicken, the idea being that he would abstain from cannibalism. The result of this experiment was that the Pope developed a taste for chicken and since that day he does not eat anything else. Except for the small human children he has for breakfast every day. But, as the Pope have stated in many Easter speeches, that's just for a laugh.  
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Other non-Catholic Christian denominations do not accept the doctrine of Apostolic Succession, or do not understand it in hierarchical terms, and therefore do not accept the claim that the Pope is heir either to Petrine primacy of honour or to Petrine primacy of jurisdiction. The Papacy's complex relationship with the Roman and Byzantine Empires, and other secular states, and the Papacy's territorial claims in Italy, are another focal point of these objections; as is the monarchical character of the office of Pope. In Western Christianity, these objections — and the vehement rhetoric they have at times been cast in — are products of the Protestant Reformation. These denominations vary from simply not accepting the Pope's authority as legitimate and valid, to believing that the Pope is the Antichrist or one of the beasts spoken of in the Book of Revelation. These denominations tend to be more heterogeneous amongst themselves than the aforementioned hierarchical churches, and their views regarding the Papacy and its institutional legitimacy (or lack thereof) vary considerably.
  
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[edit] The Papacy and Sports
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Some objectors to the papacy use empirical arguments, pointing to the corrupt characters of some of the holders of that office. For instance, some argue that claimed successors to St. Peter, like Popes Alexander VI and Callixtus III from the Borgia family, were so corrupt as to be unfit to wield power to bind and loose on Earth or in Heaven. An omniscient and omnibenevolent God, some argue, would not have given those people the powers claimed for them by the Catholic Church. Defenders of the papacy argue that the Bible shows God as willingly giving privileges even to corrupt men (citing examples like some of the kings of Israel, the apostle Judas Iscariot, and even St. Peter after he denied Jesus). They also argue that not even the worst of the corrupt popes used the office to try to rip the doctrine of the Church from its apostolic roots, and that this is evidence that the office is divinely protected.  
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The Pope is also well known in taking part in sporting events. His favorites are baseball and football, and the occasional cricket. He wins every single one of the events he participates in, eliminating any competition that threatens his reign with his laser beams from his fingertips.  
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==List of Popes==
  
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His most famous victories came for the Boston Celtics in 1765, when he single-handedly won the World Seriesof Soccer for the Celts by steam-rolling the non-believers in spectacular fashion, and against the New Orleans Saints in 1971, when he completely man-handled the entire team of grown crybabies with his sausage hands.
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{{:Popes Index}}
  
  
  
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==Quotes==
  
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[edit] The Taxidermy theory
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==Links==
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The well-known theologian Thomas Aquinas has an alternate theory about the current Pope; namely, that he died some fifteen years ago and has been stuffed by a Bulgarian taxidermist. Although this theory gained widespread acceptance during the later years of the John Paul 2.0 papacy, particularly with the illnesses he had experienced, the speculation ended completely with John Paul 2.0's funeral and burial in 2005. The Pope is the pagan prince of pornographic industries around the world.  
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* [http://www.papalencyclicals.net/ Papal Encyclicals Online]
  
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[edit] Pope John Paul v2.0
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{{returnto}} [[Roman Catholicism]]
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[[Category:Catholic Church]]
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Apple's highly anticipated iPope Shuffle, touted by the company as "the next generation of infallible hardware."It is also conjectured that the Pope "sorta" died in 1999 and has become the victim of a plot by Microsoft to rule the world. Rumours spread further after someone heard the mention of 'pope XP ME Special Edition SP2'. This was a major surprise as the second choice of name after pope John Paul 2.0 was pope George Ringo for many years.
 
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However, the entire "JPXPMESESP2" project was scrapped after a leak revealed Apple's plans for the iPope, iPope mini, Shuffle and Photo. Microsoft have now begun work on the V(atican)-Box to follow up the unsuccessful X(cruciatingly-crap)-Box. Meanwhile Sony has begun work on the Ratzinger mp3 player to compete with the iPope at a lower price, at only one arm, HALF a leg and a sperm donation. Also since the creation of the iPod Nano, Apple is now trying to create the "iPope Nano" to commemorate John Paul. Fortunately, we now know that the iPope will have more features on it than the iPope Nano. Besides having upgrades making it better than the iPope Nano, it will also use a new iTunes called Pope tunes or pTunes for short. As for the release date, it is currently unknown.
 
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[edit] Continuity of the Papacy
 
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Upon the Pope's death, when the Pole was invaded by his Nazi successor, his minions gather to pay their respects. After a suitable period of mourning and respect, a huge funeral pyre is kindled and the Faithful dance around the fire in a ritual known as The Stations of the Cross. When the fire dies to smoking embers, a new Pope rises from the ashes of the old.
 
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The JP 2.0 Pope was ritually devoured by Benedict XVI in the year 2005. All their tissues were assimilated by the new Pope to create new defensive organs and a copulative appendix that will allow him to lay eggs. The Swiss guard is currently taking care of the spawn.
 
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The current pope is Pope Pontificem of No fixed address, it is widely believed that he the college of cardinals was hoodwinked and distracted by a large balloon shaped like Oscar Wilde while the pope AKA Lakshman V. AKA Baron von Baron put on the big red hat and sat on the chair. The cardinals were stunned and were forced to declare him the new pope. This story has been vehemently denied by Pontificem and the Vatican, only leading to further speculation.
 
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[edit] The Popemobile
 
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The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class concept design.“Where does he get such wonderful toys?”
 
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~ Oscar Wilde on Batman the Pope escaping via grappling hook the Popemobile
 
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The official Papal vehicle is an infallible heavily modified (Stolen) Mystery Machine, acquired by the Pope from Frankistan in the 1327 Treaty of Worms. In the case of an emergency, the Popemobile is capable of transforming into a TIE Fighter and a hot dogTTransformer, albeit a very very small one. If the Pope is inside whilst the transformation takes place, he will be crushed and die. Fortunately, it hasn't happened before, because it came with an ejection seat, which shoots the pope out and up 1,000 feet.
 
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Aware of the flaws of the current Popemobile, Elvis hired renowned rebel Admiral Allah Ackbar to design a new version of the vehicle. Details about this multi-billion dollar contract are secretive, but it seems that the entire Mon Calamari population has been hired and transfered to an undisclosed location in Area 15 to study Astrology and practice yoga while on crack.
 
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The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class will be a far more reliable spaceship than the current Popemobile, with enough shielding to withstand a direct atomic fisting hit and a portal to a pocket dimension where Popes may safely store their child pornography stash.
 
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MTV's hit show "Pimp my ride" featured the Popemobile (aka Jokemobile) in episode AS7207506101 (Titled "Pimpin paedo priests") the episode ended in the pope being reunited with his long lost relative, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, is the only of God's children to still survive, and more favoured than Jesus by both God and small children. The Popemobile, after a "pimpover," featured spinning rims with crucifixes on them (which led to the great inverted cross scandal of '68), removed the seats and replaced them with one stool and a giant subwoofer system, the pimp my ride engineers even threw in a copy of "Extreme garage hymn sounds" which featured such hits as "In da vatican" and "Through the mitre."
 
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[edit] The Pope's Hat
 
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The Pope's hat of choice.The Pope's hat is really HUGE. This is most likely because whoever designed it was mentally retarded. Some people think the hat houses a solar powered, fifty CD changer designed by Coolio and that this is how the Pope gets his daily dose of G.G. Allin. In reality, the hat merely hides the freakish alien parasite that all Popes have attached to their head after their coronation. Directly interfacing with the brain, the parasite is in complete control of the host body.
 
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The pope is also thought to have an iGod Nano hidden inside of his hat.
 
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[edit] Discography
 
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Ceci n'est pas le Pape.
 
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Current pope's band. Catollica!The Pope has a cult-like following and has recorded some albums over the years. Although nothing more than rants on how he'd like to rule the universe, the albums still sold moderately well. (If he had toured to support the albums he would have achieved his goals of preventing anal leakage and ruling all way before now.) After his early emerge on the "Church" indie label, he later signed on at Geffen Records. After a series of high-profile media fall-outs with the label over royalties, the Pope had his contract canceled and formed his own independant label. Although more prolific, he is recognised by critics as not reaching the same transcendence as his close friend and colleague, the artist formerly known as God.
 
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Trapped in a Confessional (666 B.C.)
 
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Praying (And Whiskey) on Sunday (1066)
 
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In Nomine (1134)
 
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The Gilded Album (1456)
 
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Hey, Hey, It's the pope! (1162)
 
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The Pope... in a Blue Mood (1164)
 
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If the Pope is Wrong, You Don't Want to Be Right (single) (1172)
 
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Crusader, featuring Saxon and King Baldwin I of Jerusalem (1187)
 
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Sgt. Vatican's Only March Cub Band (1966)
 
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Them Featuring The Pope...Blowin' Your Mind! (1966)
 
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The Pope At The Gates Of Heaven (Words and music by Syd Barret) (1967)
 
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An Almost Fanatical Devotion To The Pope (1969)
 
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Live!: From St. Smurfs Basilica in the Land Far Far Away (Mass for the recently deceased) (1975)
 
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A Night at the Vatican (feat. Queen) (1975)
 
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Sabbath Day, Bloody Sabbath Day (1976)
 
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Heaven Calling (1977)
 
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Cocaine on the membrane and other true stories from the Pope (Comedy album) 1979
 
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Pope Zeppelin 3
 
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An Evening with The Pope (1981)
 
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An Audience with the Pope, featuring a duet with Cecil (1982)
 
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Master Of "Pope"tts (1986)
 
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Reign in Blood (1986)
 
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Eternal Salvation (Is Just a Heartbeat Away) (1987)
 
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The Sausage Polka and other Pork-Related Polka tunes (1988)
 
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Talk About Pope Music (1989)
 
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Rust In Pope (1990)
 
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Urban Hymns (1996)
 
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Whiskey In the Pope: A tribute to Thin Lizzy (1997)
 
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Der Erste Papstkrieg: Sturm und Drang (The First Pope War: Storm and Struggle) (1998)
 
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The Eternal Soul Sessions (1999)
 
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A Novel Methodology to Knock Out Supermodels (2000)
 
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Popein' Ain't Easy (Spoken Word) (2005)
 
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The Pope, Live From Vatican Square (2005)
 
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The Pope, The Lost Years 1134 - 1962 (2005)
 
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Movie Soundtrack from The Pope vs. The Predator (2000)
 
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Movie Soundtrack from Viva La Pope (2001)
 
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God Hats Us All (2001)
 
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Movie Soundtrack from Pope on a Hot Tin Roof (2002)
 
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I gots a big fuckin' hat, what you got sucka'? (2003)
 
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The Pope Smokes Dope (David Peel) (1972)
 
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Ministry of Morality Ibiza '05 Hard Trance Beats (2005)
 
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Nevermind the Bollocks, Here's The Pope (2004)
 
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Dope Pope (2005)
 
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The Pope's Evening With Your Mom (2002)
 
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Rock Against Satan v.1 (2002)
 
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Rock Against Satan v.2 (2003)
 
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The Pope Unplugged: Various Noises Made While Off His Respirator (2005)
 
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Pope Rock - Live At The Dock (Bootleg) 2005
 
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The Pope: Truth From Under The Robe (Spoken Word) (2005)
 
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Condemnation/Salvation (double-album) (2005)
 
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99 Problems but the Papacy ain't one (2006)
 
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Death to all Jews (duo with Mel Gibson) (Christmas 2006 number 1)
 
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Pope A (2007?)
 
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Pope Leviticus the 4th (2020-2102)
 
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[edit] Feature films
 
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- A biographical action movie set around the life of the Pope is set to be released within one month of when you read this page. The film's title has been confirmed as Pope on a Rope, and depicts his attempt in early 2001 to militarize the Vatican in order to enact a new Crusade to France. This film will supposedly include things exploding in the Vatican City, randomly and for no purpose, a dramitization of the real life papal ninjas, and a climactic gunfight between the Pope and an unskilled character actor, which culminates in the Pope turning himself into communion wafers and flying away, a generic ability of anything Jesus-esque according to the Catholic Church.
 
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[edit] The Pope Today
 
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Ratzinger displays his personal Bible.Currently, after the "death" of JP 2.0, the spirit of the Pope has taken residence in a Caucasian pineapple Robot known as Pope Ted. While Jerusalem has eaten meat since his appointment as Ruler of the Vatican, he has taken on the title of "The Dread Pope".
 
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The Dread Pope has already made many decrees for the improvement of the universe, the first replacing the outdated and now meaningless, "Amen" with the far more appropriate, and far more tennis-like "bong".
 
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Although the rightful ruler of his pants, the Pope's inherently gay nature has forced the "powers that be" to install a meat-sock Pope until the universe is ready to eat the almighty Dread Pope. As the true Pope, Ted is not without devout friends and followers. In the True Vatican the Pope is guarded by his 1-UP mushrooms, The Omnipotent Seven, Erik, the robot Viking, a host of Magicians, and moofoo.
 
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In May 2006 the pope controversially said that god did not exist but defended his statement as "it was just to shut the god damn atheists up" the pope went on to say that god does exist after a lightning storm began to constantly circulate around his head.
 
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As of July, 6 2006 there were only 2,000 counterfeit popes left in circulation. You can tell they are not the real deal by their love for the rock band, The Eagles and their overall jolliness. The counterfeit amount drastically dropped after Santa Claus' 2005 crackdown. Half of the 1,000 of the counterfeit popes captured by Claus are working as elves in his workshop, while the other half have been given a grant by the US Federal Government to start another steady flow of Kiss albums.
 
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Recently the current pope, Emperor Benedict Palpatine , A.K.A. the Nazi pope, has announced plans to fight a title match with Darth Allah. This may well result in the end of the universe, as prophesied by the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
 
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Also, the Pope enjoy long walks on the beach and strap-on action.
 
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[edit] Papal Collectives
 
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"Koran? Ha! This is breakfast."There are several leaders with the title of Pope (see also Anti-Pope). There is, however, no collective noun for popes. Curiously, though, the papal adjective "popalicious" is in the running for the most popular pope themed word ever. Delicious Popes frown on its use, however.
 
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[edit] Selection of a New Pope
 
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The Pope is an immortal entity, capable of chemically transmitting its memories and powers to it's progeny. He is gifted with a unique and divine form of reproduction, budding. Any given Pope may be seen wearing various size hats, although invariably this hat grows larger as the Pope approaches the end of his reign. It is underneath these hats that a new Pope festers and swells. From the cranium of the current Pope buds an amorphic clone. This Pope develops at variable rates, but come time for succession, it falls off and begins to take shape. Always has this mass chosen the shape of an elderly man, similar to the Pope. Furthermore, the new Pope devours the brain and heart of the old Pope to gain sustenance and knowledge for his ascension as the new Pope. In this manner, the Pope is an immortal being. This also explains where so many 10 ft. tall men come from.
 
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However, if you are strong enough to defeat the ultra super mega pope in an arm wrestling match, you instantly become the new ultra super mega pope, and the previous one will vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.
 
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In truth, the Pope is absorbed into the skin of the armwrestler-ee, who then slowly becomes obsessed with his own popeness.
 
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Pope related Theories: Rumour has it that the Pope is made only of ice. This theory was quickly disproved when the pope was seen relaxing near a collection of lit candles. This encouraged a new theory that the Pope is made of fire: This theory has yet to be proven incorrect.
 
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A slightly overweight lesbian described the Pope as a "Queer bashing Homophobe who likes to make love to his teddies", the Pope's emphatic response to this was published in the Wall street Journal of 1982, "Go have a shave, you butch muff diver".]]  
 
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This is actually true. The Pope then was seen to devour the lesbian, subsuming her essence into his own.
 
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[edit] Futurepope
 
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"Now that we spoke about the election of the pope, it's time we start bashing for the new pope" thought some people of VNV Nation, and, always eager to destabilize our community and religion, started advocating their Futurepop-e... Poor Goth kids...
 
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Since everyone in the world can agree that pope benny is evil, a facebook group has been started with a new promising representative to run for popehood. Please check the link if you are interested. ( [1] )
 
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[edit] The Pope's CV
 
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Name: Penis Smudge Qualifiations : GCSE R.E Grade U International Diploma in Pimping Science grade A*
 
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Awards: Lord of the rings fanclub, most avid fan Talking blocks society, award for least factuall belief system An Emmy (Anyone can win one) Best Pimp on the west side 2003, 2005 Guniness World record holder for most chainsaws ingested in one miunite at 0, and smallest penis at 2.3mm.
 
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Interests: clubing clubing seals getting high (thats what all the smoke is out of the popehouse Pimping Taking advanage of pissed women Gang-Bangs
 
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Employment History
 
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1989-2003 mcdonalds Burger Fliper grade 1 1986-1989 ASDA carrier bag person 1984-1986 Premiership Footballer
 
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[edit] Catching a Pope (live)
 
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The most important thing to remember when hunting Pope is to bring proper equipment. Pack lightly, as they are spry, fast moving creatures and you will have to be able to keep up with them. Their favorite food is barbecue chips, so bring some of those. But don't put them in the same bag as the 12 year old children. Your prey will want them unspoiled and horny for "private Bible study". Also, be sure you have your Mouse Trap game, because if he gets caught by that, he deserves whatever you give to him.
 
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[edit] Super-Pope?
 
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There have been rumours surfacing recently, that the Pope, or Super-Pope, as he is known in some circles, has the ability to fly. This subject has caused much tension between both Catholics and the Super-Pope Fanclub. Though this subject has never been officially confirmed or denied, it is widely believed that Super-Pope flies due purely to the magic staff that he carries when in the Vatican. He, supposedly, shouts 'Pope Away', and is often seen by local Italian Hillbillyieos (Italian Hillbillies) flying though the night sky.
 
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It was once rumoured that he would shout 'Pot Pourri', but this phrase has little to do with the Flight of the Pope (also a movie in pre-production) and more to do with the Pope's deodorant. This quote of 'Pot Pourri', was often questioned by the residents of the Vatican, until (again, allegedly) one of the Cardinals explained that Pot Pourri, is essentailly like buggery, just more Super-Pope orientated. Though this is widely doubted. The identity of Super-Pope was recently confirmed to be Pope Dean Kilpatrickus (The Truth Be Told!)
 
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Pope Palpatine displays his unlimited power in front of a crowd at the Vatican.[edit] Ironic Pope
 
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An official papal title used by the sect of Cheesecakeism founded by Bernard Joseph Quill early in the sixth year of the second millenium. Using the mystical ancient writings of the Messianic Chef, known only as The Baker he established set up a genealogy of Popes, titled Ironic Pope's or -IPOPEs- to rule over the Cheesecake Empire. According to page 5636 of the Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc, a pope is "all blessed individuals who, have been honoured with ascendancy, along every single man, woman, and child on this Earth who await their chance." The first officially honoured -IPOPE- of the Church, was Quill, whom granted himself the title of Primordial -IPOPE- Alpha Prime on the 2nd of February 2006. Following his ascendancy, a massive spew of officiated Popes have followed, each with varying degrees of importance and honour, displayed in their -IPOPE- title's.
 
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In actual fact the Ironic Pope's of the Cheesecake Religion have no officiated power as such. The title of Pope is merely an honorary one, bestowed upon any individual whom has performed some great task in service of the Church, or for Cake lovers anywhere. To receive the title of Pope or the official spelling -IPOPE-, one does not necessary have no be a part of the Church, although it is generally the case.
 
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While having no genuine powers over the direction, or politics of the Church, the Ironic Pope's are blessed with varying degrees of diverse honorary powers. These such powers ere not necessarily enumerated in the Manifesto, although we are given some idea from a note in Chapter V Section II verse 8, where it is stated that "An -IPOPE- is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities." Some Cheesecakeians have also taken it upon themselves to further elaborate upon the powers of an -IPOPE-. On the back of some printings of the "Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc", the following message can be found:
 
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"The rights of an -IPOPE- include but are not necessarily limited to:
 
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To invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively.
 
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To completely rework the Hestia church.
 
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To baptise, bury, and marry (with the permission of the deceased in the latter two cases).
 
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To ex-communicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!) both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).
 
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To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Pope of Cheesecakia."
 
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The third right (requiring permission from the deceased in cases of burying or marriage, but not baptism) may be an ancient pre-reference to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practice of baptism for the dead.
 
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This understanding of the notion of -IPOPE- has far reaching consequences in Cheesecakeism. For example, the introduction to The Divine Cookbook says, "Only an Ironic Pope may canonize a Saint. ‘’So you can ordain yourself & anyone or anything else a Saint." The last enumerated right of an Ironic Pope may be an allusion to the necessary and proper clause.’’
 
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
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[edit] Byronic Pope
 
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The Byronic Pope is a personality personified in the ever popular poem Pope Walks in Beauty. The Byronic Pope is described as being/having
 
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conflicting emotions, bisexual tendencies, or moodiness
 
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self-critical and introspective
 
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struggles with integrity
 
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a distaste for social institutions and social norms being an exile, an outcast, or an outlaw
 
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has "dark" attributes not normally associated with Jesus
 
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struggle with sexual identity (homosexual, sleeps with many women, etc.)
 
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a lack of respect for rank and privilege
 
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a troubled past
 
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being cynical, demanding, and/or arrogant
 
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often self-destructive
 
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loner, often rejected from society
 
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This just in!!
 
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The pope is actually a stupid, old man, with a ugly hat... And yet he's smart enough to control the even stupider catholic herds.
 
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[edit] Pope Eggs
 
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Yeah, Thats Right, Bitch! I'm An Ostrich Emu!Prior to Pope Benedict XVI, it was unknown that popes are actually capable of laying eggs. The Catholic church denies it fervently, but the truth is out there. Pope Benedict XVI, may be an ostrich emu. It is also commonly known that ostriches emus lay eggs and huffed kittens. But this picture, taken by a secret photographer, clearly shows how ostriches emus are not good mothers.
 
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Eggs Benedict.[edit] Footnotes
 
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↑ nota male: not the beast – that would be totally misleading!
 
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This is a foot note. Its eating ur foot right now. Pope Benedict would approve.
 
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[edit] See also
 
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Dr. Phil
 
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Fark: The group against the Pope
 
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The Huge Entity
 
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Pope Pontificem
 
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The Artist Formerly known as the Artist Formerly known as Prince
 
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Giuseppe Verdi
 
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Weapons of Mass Destruction
 
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The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
 
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Cocaine
 
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Ratzinger Z
 
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Mormon revolt
 
−
Ironic Pope
 
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Grimace
 
−
Atonement Special
 
−
Edwin Goodstaller Chopra DCXLIII
 
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BUHHDA
 
−
Emperor Palpatine
 
−
UnNews:Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet
 
−
UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
 
−
Does the pope shit in the woods?
 

Latest revision as of 03:56, 13 December 2010

The Papacy
RELATED TOPICS
SERMONS, ESSAYS AND OPINIONS
CONTENTS

The Pope is the head of Roman Catholic Church and Eastern Catholic Churches. In addition to this spiritual role, the Pope is also head of the independent, sovereign State of the Vatican City, a city-state entirely surrounded by the city of Rome. Prior to 1870, the Pope's temporal authority extended over a large area of central Italy, a territory formally known as the "Patrimony of St Peter" under the terms of the Donation of Constantine, but more familiar as the Papal States. The office of the Pope is informally called the Papacy and formally called the Pontificate; his ecclesiastical jurisdiction is called the Holy See (Sancta Sedes). Catholics worldwide consider each pope to be the succesor of St. Peter. The current Pope is Benedict XVI.

Other Popes

An antipope is a person who claims the Pontificate without being canonically and properly elected to it. The existence of an antipope is usually due either to doctrinal controversy within the Church, or to confusion as to who is the legitimate Pope at the time.

The heads of the Coptic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Church of Alexandria are also called "Popes" for historical reasons, with the former being called "Coptic Pope" or "Pope of Alexandria" and the latter called "Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa"; the parallel construction "Pope of Rome" is uncommon but occasionally used.

Word origins

The word "Pope" is derived from the Greek word pappas ("father") and was originally used in an affectionate sense of any priest or bishop (in the exact same way that modern priests are addressed as "Father"). In the 4th and 5th centuries, pappas (Latinized as papa, a form still preserved in Spanish and Portuguese was still frequently used of any bishop in the West, although it gradually came to be increasingly restricted to its modern, exclusive use by the Bishop of Rome. In the East, especially in Greece and Russia, priests are still referred to as pappas.

As early as the third century, the Bishop of Alexandria exercised a high degree of central control of suffragan Egyptian bishops, in a manner consciously similar to the jurisdiction of the Bishop of Rome; the Alexandrian archbishop was given precedence immediately after the Roman pontiff by the Council of Nicea, and adopted the title "Pope of Alexandria," which still forms an integral part of the titles of the Greek Orthodox "Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa" and of the Coptic "Pope of Alexandria and of the See of Saint Mark the Apostle."

Office and nature

The title "Pope" is an informal one; the formal title of the Pope is "Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God," although this is rarely seen or used in full (by comparison, the formal title of the Orthodox Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria is "Successor of Saint Mark the Apostle, Shepherd of Shepherds, Father of Fathers, Supreme Pontiff of All Metropolitans and Bishops, Judge of the World, and Beloved of Christ", often called the "Ecumenical Judge"; the Coptic Pope is styled "Pope and Patriarch of the See of Alexandria and of All the Predication of the Evangelist St. Mark"). In canon law he is referred to as the "Roman Pontiff" (Pontifex Romanus). The Pope is styled "Your Holiness" (Sanctitas Vostra) and is frequently referred to as "the Holy Father."

The Pope's signature is usually in the format "NN. PP. x" (e.g., Pope Paul VI signed his name as "Paulus PP. VI"), and his name is frequently accompanied in inscriptions by the abbreviation "Pont. Max." or "P.M." (abbreviation of the ancient title Pontifex Maximus, literally "Greatest Bridge-maker", but usually translated "Supreme Pontiff"). The signature of Papal bulls is customarily NN. Episcopus Ecclesia Catholicae ("NN. Bishop of the Catholic Church"), while the heading is NN. Episcopus Servus Servorum Dei ("NN. Bishop and Servant of the Servants of God"), the latter title dating to the time of Pope Gregory I the Great. Other titles used in some official capacity include Summus Pontifex ("Highest Pontiff"), Sanctissimus Pater and Beatissimus Pater ("Most Holy Father" and "Most Blessed Father"), Sanctissimus Dominus Noster ("Our Most Holy Lord"), and, in the Mediaeval period, Dominus Apostolicus ("Apostolic Lord").

The Pope's official residence is the Palace of the Vatican, and he also possesses a summer palace at Castel Gandolfo (believed to be situated on the site of the ancient city-state Alba Longa). Historically the official residence of the Pope was the Lateran Palace, donated by the Roman Emperor Constantinus I. The former Papal summer palace, the Quirinal Palace, has subsequently been the official residence of the Kings of Italy and Presidents of the Italian Republic.

Contrary to popular belief, it is the Pope's ecclesiastical jurisdiction (the Holy See) and not his secular jurisdiction (Vatican City) which conducts international relations; for hundreds of years, the Pope's court (the Roman Curia) has functioned as the government of the Catholic Church. The name "Holy See" (also "Apostolic See") is in ecclesiastical terminology the ordinary jurisdiction of the Bishop of Rome (including the Roman Curia); the Pope's various honours, powers, and privileges within the Catholic Church and the international community derive from his Episcopate of Rome in lineal succession from the Apostle St. Peter (see Apostolic Succession). Consequently Rome has traditionally occupied a central position in the Catholic Church, although this is not necessarily so. The Pope derives his Pontificate from being Bishop of Rome but is not obligated to reside in Rome; according to the Latin formula ubi Papa, ibi Curia, wherever the Pope resides is the central government of the Church, provided that the Pope is Bishop of Rome. As such, between 1309 and 1378 the Popes resided not in Rome but in Avignon, a period often called the Babylonian Captivity in allusion to the Biblical exile of Israel (see Avignon Papacy).

Catholic tradition maintains that the institution of the Pontificate can be found in the Bible, and cites certain key passages in support of this contention. Chief among these passages is Matthew 16:18-19, wherein Jesus Christ says to Peter:

"Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father Who is in Heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter ("The Rock" derived from Greek), and on this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give you the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven: and whatever you bind on Earth shall be bound in Heaven, and whatever you loose on Earth shall be loosed in Heaven".

Status and authority

The status and authority of the Pope in the Catholic Church was dogmatically defined by the First Vatican Council in its Dogmatic Constitution of the Church of Christ (July 18, 1870). The first chapter of this document is entitled "On the institution of the apostolic primacy in blessed Peter", and states that (s.1) "according to the Gospel evidence, a primacy of jurisdiction over the whole church of God was immediately and directly promised to the blessed apostle Peter and conferred on him by Christ the lord" and that (s.6) "if anyone says that blessed Peter the apostle was not appointed by Christ the lord as prince of all the apostles and visible head of the whole church militant; or that it was a primacy of honour only and not one of true and proper jurisdiction that he directly and immediately received from our lord Jesus Christ Himself: let him be anathema."

The Dogmatic Constitution's second chapter, "On the permanence of the primacy of blessed Peter in the Roman pontiffs", states that (s.1) "that which our lord Jesus Christ [...] established in the blessed apostle Peter [...] must of necessity remain forever, by Christ's authority, in the church which, founded as it is upon a rock, will stand firm until the end of time," that (s.3) "whoever succeeds to the chair of Peter obtains by the institution of Christ Himself, the primacy of Peter over the whole church", and that (s.5) "if anyone says that it is not by the institution of Christ the lord Himself (that is to say, by divine law) that blessed Peter should have perpetual successors in the primacy over the whole church; or that the Roman pontiff is not the successor of blessed Peter in this primacy: let him be anathema."

The Dogmatic Constitution's third chapter, "On the power and character of the primacy of the Roman pontiff," states that (s.1) "the definition of the ecumenical council of Florence, which must be believed by all faithful Christians, namely that the apostolic see and the Roman pontiff hold a world-wide primacy, and that the Roman pontiff is the successor of blessed Peter, the prince of the apostles, true vicar of Christ, head of the whole church and father and teacher of all Christian people," that (s.2) "by divine ordinance, the Roman church possesses a pre-eminence of ordinary power over every other church, and that the jurisdictional power of the Roman pontiff is both episcopal and immediate" and that "clergy and faithful, of whatever rite and dignity, both singly and collectively, are bound to submit to this power by the duty of hierarchical subordination and true obedience, and this not only in matters concerning faith and morals, but also in those which regard the discipline and government of the church throughout the world."

The powers of the Pope are defined by the Dogmatic Constitution (ch.3, s.8) such that "he is the supreme judge of the faithful, and that in all cases which fall under ecclesiastical jurisdiction recourse may be had to his judgement" and that "the sentence of the apostolic see (than which there is no higher authority) is not subject to revision by anyone, nor may anyone lawfully pass judgement thereupon" (can. 331 defines the power of the Pope as "supreme, full, immediate and universal ordinary power in the Church, and he can always freely exercise this power"). It also dogmatically defined (ch.4, s.9) the doctrine of Papal infallibility, sc. such that

when the Roman Pontiff speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in the exercise of his office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, in virtue of his supreme apostolic authority, he defines a doctrine concerning faith or morals to be held by the whole church, he possesses, by the divine assistance promised to him in blessed Peter, that infallibility which the divine Redeemer willed His church to enjoy in defining doctrine concerning faith or morals. Therefore, such definitions of the Roman pontiff are of themselves, and not by the consent of the church, irreformable.

Political role

Though the progressive Christianisation of the Roman Empire in the Fourth century did not confer upon bishops civil authority within the state, the gradual withdrawal of imperial authority during the 5th century left the Pope the senior Imperial civilian official in Rome, as bishops were increasingly directing civil affairs in other cities of the Western Empire. This status as a secular and civil leader was vividly displayed by Pope Leo I's confrontation with Attila in 452 and was substantially increased in 754, when the Frankish ruler Pepin the Short donated to the Pope a strip of territory which formed the core of the so-called Papal States (properly the Patrimony of St. Peter). In 800, Pope Leo III crowned the Frankish ruler Charlemagne as Roman Emperor, a major step toward establishing what later became known as the Holy Roman Empire; from that date it became the Pope's prerogative to crown the Emperor, a tradition which continued until Emperor Charles V, the last Holy Roman Emperor to be crowned by the Pope (subsequent Emperors never received coronation), and which was partially revived by Napoléon Bonaparte. As has been hitherto mentioned, the Pope's sovereignty over the Papal States ended in 1870 with their annexation by Italy.

In addition to the Pope's position as a territorial ruler and foremost prince bishop of Christendom (especially prominent with the Renaissance Popes like Pope Alexander VI an ambitious if spectacularly corrupt politico, and Pope Julius II, a formidable general and statesman) and as the spiritual head of the Holy Roman Empire (especially prominent during periods of contention with the Emperors, such as during the Pontificates of Pope Gregory VII and Pope Alexander III), the Pope also possessed a degree of political and temporal authority in his capacity as Supreme Pontiff. Some of the most striking examples of Papal political authority are the Bull Laudabiliter in 1155 (authorising Henry II of England to invade Ireland), the Bull Inter Caeteras in 1493 (leading to the Treaty of Torsedillas in 1494, which divided the world into areas of Spanish and Portuguese rule) the Bull Regnans in Excelsis in 1570 (excommunicating Elizabeth I of England and purporting to release all her subjects from their allegiance to her), the Bull Inter Gravissimas in 1582 (establishing the Gregorian Calendar).

Death or Resignation, and election

Death

The current regulations regarding a Papal interregnum -- i.e., a Sede Vacante "vacant see" -- were promulgated by John Paul II in his 1996 document Universi Dominici Gregis. During the Sede Vacante, the Sacred College of Cardinals, composed of the Pope's principal advisors and assistants, is collectively responsible for the government of the Church and of the Vatican itself, under the direction of the Cardinal Chamberlain; however, canon law specifically forbids the Cardinals from introducing any innovation in the government of the Church during the vacancy of the Holy See. Any decision that needs the assent of the Pope has to wait until a new Pope has been elected and takes office.

The Pope's death is officially determined by the Cardinal Chamberlain by gently tapping the late Pope's head thrice with a golden hammer and calling his birth name three times. A doctor may or may not have already determined that the Pope had passed away. The Cardinal Chamberlain then retrieves the Fisherman's Ring. Usually the ring is on the Pope's right hand. But with Paul VI, he had stopped wearing the ring during the last years of his reign, and left it in his desk. In other cases the ring might have been removed for medical reasons. The Chamberlin cuts the ring in two in the presence of the Cardinals. The deceased Pope's seals are defaced, to keep the Pope's seal from ever being used again, and his personal apartment is sealed.

The body then lies in state for a number of days before being interred in the crypt of a leading church or cathedral; the Popes of the Twentieth century have all been interred in St. Peter's Basilica, but it is expected that the reigning Pope, Pope John Paul II, will be interred in his native Poland. A nine-day period of mourning (novem dialis) follows after the interment of the late Pope.

Resignation

The Code of Canon Law 332 §2 states, If it happens that the Roman Pontiff resigns his office, it is required for validity that the resignation is made freely and properly manifested but not that it is accepted by anyone.

It was widely reported in June and July 2002 that the Pope John Paul II firmly refuted the speculation of his resignation using Canon 332, in a letter to the Milan daily newspaper Corriere della Sera.

Nevertheless, 332 §2 has given rise to speculation that either:

  • The current Pope will resign as his health fails, or
  • A properly manifested legal instrument has already been drawn up that puts into effect his resignation in the event of his incapacity to perform his duties.

Election

The Pope was originally chosen by those senior clergymen resident in and near Rome. In 1059, the electorate was restricted to the Cardinals of the Holy Roman Church, and the individual votes of all Cardinal Electors were made equal in 1179. The Pope is usually a member of the Sacred College of Cardinals, but theoretically any male Catholic (including a layman) may be elected; Pope Urban VI was the last Pope who was not already a cardinal at the time of his election. Canon law requires that if a layman or non-bishop is elected, he receives episcopal consecration from the Dean of the College of Cardinals before assuming the Pontificate. Under present canon law, the Pope is elected by the cardinal electors, comprising those cardinals who are under the age of 80.

The Second Council of Lyons was convened on May 7, 1274, to regulate the election of the Pope. This Council decreed that the cardinal electors must meet within ten days of the Pope's death, and that they must remain in seclusion until a Pope has been elected; this was prompted by the three-year Sede Vacante following the death of Pope Clement IV in 1268. By the mid-Sixteenth century, the electoral process had more or less evolved into its present form, allowing for alteration in the time between the death of the Pope and the meeting of the cardinal electors.

Traditionally the vote was conducted by acclamation, by selection by committee, or by plenary vote. Acclamation was the simplest procedure, consisting entirely of a voice vote, and was last used in 1621. The reigning Pope, Pope John Paul II, has abolished vote by acclamation and by selection by committee, and henceforth all Popes will be elected by full vote of the Sacred College of Cardinals by ballot.

The election of the Pope almost always takes place in the Sistine Chapel, in a meeting called a "conclave" (so called because twenty days after the Pope's death, the present cardinal electors are theoretically locked in, cum clavi, until they elect a new Pope). Three cardinals are chosen by lot to collect the votes of absent cardinal electors (by reason of illness), three are chosen by lot to count the votes, and three are chosen by lot to review the count of the votes. The ballots are distributed and each cardinal elector writes the name of his choice on it and pledges aloud that he is voting for "one whom under God I think ought to be elected" before depositing his vote in a large chalice placed on the altar. Each ballot is read aloud by the presiding Cardinal, who then pierces the ballot with a needle and thread, stringing all the ballots together and tying the ends of the thread to ensure accuracy and honesty. Balloting continues until a Pope is elected by a two-thirds majority (since the promulgation of Universi Dominici Gregis the rules allow for a simple majority after a deadlock of twelve days).

One of the most famous parts of the conclave is the means by which the results of a ballot are announced to the world. Once the ballots are counted and bound together, they are burned in a special oven erected in the Sistine Chapel, with the smoke escaping through a small chimney visible from St Peter's Square. The ballots from an unsuccessful vote are burned along with a chemical compound in order to produce black smoke, or "fumata nera." (Traditionally wet straw was used to help create the black smoke, but a number of "false alarms" in past conclaves have brought about this concession to modern chemistry.) When a vote is successful, the ballots are burned alone, sending white smoke ("fumata bianca") through the chimney and announcing to the world the election of a new Pope.

The Dean of the College of Cardinals then asks the successfully elected Cardinal two solemn questions. First he asks, "Do you freely accept your election?" If he replies with the word "Accepto," his reign as Pope begins at that instant, not at the coronation ceremony several days afterward. The Dean then asks, "By what name shall you be called?" The new Pope then announces the name he has chosen for himself (starting in 535, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate; the names are not based on any system other than general honorifics, and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors, and political similarity).

The new Pope is led through the "Door of Tears" to a dressing room in which three sets of white Papal vestments ("immantatio") await: literally small, medium, and large. Donning the appropriate vestments and re-emerging into the Sistine Chapel, the new Pope is given the "Fisherman's Ring" by the Cardinal Camerlegno, whom he either reconfirms or reappoints. The Pope then assumes a place of honor as the rest of the Cardinals wait in turn to offer their first "obedience" ("adoratio"), and to receive his blessing.

The senior cardinal deacon then announces from a balcony over St. Peter's Square the following proclamation: Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum! Habemus Papam! ("I announce to you a great joy! We have a Pope!")

Until 1978, the Pope's election was followed in a few days by a procession in great pomp and circumstance from the Sistine Chapel to St. Peter's Basilica, with the newly-elected Pope borne in the sedia gestatoria. There the Pope was crowned with the triregnum and he gave his first blessing as Pope, the famous Urbi et Orbi ("to the City [Rome] and to the World"). Another famed part of the coronation was the lighting of a torch which would flare brightly and promptly extinguish, with the admonition Sic transit gloria mundi ("Thus fades worldly glory"). Traditionally, the pope-elect takes the Papal oath (the so called "Oath against modernism") at his coronation, but John Paul I and later John Paul II have refused to do so.

As has been hitherto noted, the Latin term Sede Vacante ("vacant seat") refers to a Papal interregnum, or the period between the death of the Pope and the election of his successor. From this term is derived the name Sedevacantist, which designates a category of dissident, schismatic Catholics who maintain that there is no canonically and legitimately elected Pope, and that there is therefore a Sede Vacante; one of the most common reasons for holding this belief is the idea that the reforms of the Second Vatican Council and especially the replacement of the Tridentine Mass with the Novus Ordo Missae are heretical, and that, per the dogma of Papal infallibility (see above), it is impossible for a valid Pope to have done these things.


Objections to the Papacy

The Pope's position as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church is dogmatic and therefore not open to debate or dispute within the Catholic Church; the First Vatican Council anathematised all who dispute the Pope's primacy of honour and of jurisdiction (it is lawful to discuss the precise nature of that primacy, provided that such discussion does not violate the terms of the Council's Dogmatic Constitution). However, the Pope's authority is not undisputed outside the Catholic Church; these objections differ from denomination to denomination, but can roughly be outlined as (1.) objections to the extent of the primacy of the Pope; and (2.) objections to the institution of the Papacy itself.

Some non-Catholic Christian denominations, such as the Assyrian Church of the East, the Oriental Orthodox Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the Anglican Communion, accept the doctrine of Apostolic Succession, and therefore accept (to varying extents) the claim that the Pope as successor to St. Peter is heir to Petrine primacy of honour. These churches deny, however, the claim that the Pope is also heir to Petrine primacy of jurisdiction. Because none of these denominations recognise the First Vatican Council as ecumenical, they regard its definitions of Papal jurisdiction and infallibility (and anathematisation of those who do not accept them) as non-binding.

Other non-Catholic Christian denominations do not accept the doctrine of Apostolic Succession, or do not understand it in hierarchical terms, and therefore do not accept the claim that the Pope is heir either to Petrine primacy of honour or to Petrine primacy of jurisdiction. The Papacy's complex relationship with the Roman and Byzantine Empires, and other secular states, and the Papacy's territorial claims in Italy, are another focal point of these objections; as is the monarchical character of the office of Pope. In Western Christianity, these objections — and the vehement rhetoric they have at times been cast in — are products of the Protestant Reformation. These denominations vary from simply not accepting the Pope's authority as legitimate and valid, to believing that the Pope is the Antichrist or one of the beasts spoken of in the Book of Revelation. These denominations tend to be more heterogeneous amongst themselves than the aforementioned hierarchical churches, and their views regarding the Papacy and its institutional legitimacy (or lack thereof) vary considerably.

Some objectors to the papacy use empirical arguments, pointing to the corrupt characters of some of the holders of that office. For instance, some argue that claimed successors to St. Peter, like Popes Alexander VI and Callixtus III from the Borgia family, were so corrupt as to be unfit to wield power to bind and loose on Earth or in Heaven. An omniscient and omnibenevolent God, some argue, would not have given those people the powers claimed for them by the Catholic Church. Defenders of the papacy argue that the Bible shows God as willingly giving privileges even to corrupt men (citing examples like some of the kings of Israel, the apostle Judas Iscariot, and even St. Peter after he denied Jesus). They also argue that not even the worst of the corrupt popes used the office to try to rip the doctrine of the Church from its apostolic roots, and that this is evidence that the office is divinely protected.

List of Popes

1. St. Peter (32-67)

2. St. Linus (67-76)

3. St. Anacletus(Cletus) (76-88)

4. St. Clement I (88-97)

5. St. Evaristus (97-105)

6. St. Alexander I (105-115)

7. St. Sixtus I (115-125) -- also called Xystus I

8. St. Telesphorus (125-136)

9. St. Hyginus (136-140)

10. St. Pius I (140-155)

11. St. Anicetus (155-166)

12. St. Soter (166-175)

13. St. Eleutherius (175-189)

14. St. Victor I (189-199)

15. St. Zephyrinus (199-217)

16. St. Callistus I (217-22)

17. St. Urban I (222-30)

18. St. Pontain (230-35)

19. St. Anterus (235-36)

20. St. Fabian (236-50)

21. St. Cornelius (251-53)

22. St. Lucius I (253-54)

23. St. Stephen I (254-257)

24. St. Sixtus II (257-258)

25. St. Dionysius (260-268)

26. St. Felix I (269-274)

27. St. Eutychian (275-283)

28. St. Caius (283-296) -- also called Gaius

29. St. Marcellinus (296-304)

30. St. Marcellus I (308-309)

31. St. Eusebius (309 or 310)

32. St. Miltiades (311-14)

33. St. Sylvester I (314-35)

34. St. Marcus (336)

35. St. Julius I (337-52)

36. Liberius (352-66)

37. St. Damasus I (366-83)

38. St. Siricius (384-99)

39. St. Anastasius I (399-401)

40. St. Innocent I (401-17)

41. St. Zosimus (417-18)

42. St. Boniface I (418-22)

43. St. Celestine I (422-32)

44. St. Sixtus III (432-40)

45. St. Leo I (the Great) (440-61)

46. St. Hilarius (461-68)

47. St. Simplicius (468-83)

48. St. Felix III (II) (483-92)

49. St. Gelasius I (492-96)

50. Anastasius II (496-98)

51. St. Symmachus (498-514)

52. St. Hormisdas (514-23)

53. St. John I (523-26)

54. St. Felix IV (III) (526-30)

55. Boniface II (530-32)

56. John II (533-35)

57. St. Agapetus I (535-36) -- also called Agapitus I

58. St. Silverius (536-37)

59. Vigilius (537-55)

60. Pelagius I (556-61)

61. John III (561-74)

62. Benedict I (575-79)

63. Pelagius II (579-90)

64. St. Gregory I (the Great) (590-604)

65. Sabinian (604-606)

66. Boniface III (607)

67. St. Boniface IV (608-15)

68. St. Deusdedit (Adeodatus I) (615-18)

69. Boniface V (619-25)

70. Honorius I (625-38)

71. Severinus (640)

72. John IV (640-42)

73. Theodore I (642-49)

74. St. Martin I (649-55)

75. St. Eugene I (655-57)

76. St. Vitalian (657-72)

77. Adeodatus (II) (672-76)

78. Donus (676-78)

79. St. Agatho (678-81)

80. St. Leo II (682-83)

81. St. Benedict II (684-85)

82. John V (685-86)

83. Conon (686-87)

84. St. Sergius I (687-701)

85. John VI (701-05)

86. John VII (705-07)

87. Sisinnius (708)

88. Constantine (708-15)

89. St. Gregory II (715-31)

90. St. Gregory III (731-41)

91. St. Zachary (741-52)

92. Stephen II (752) -- Because he died before being consecrated, some lists (including the Vatican's official list) omit him.

93. Stephen III (752-57)

94. St. Paul I (757-67)

95. Stephen IV (767-72)

96. Adrian I (772-95)

97. St. Leo III (795-816)

98. Stephen V (816-17)

99. St. Paschal I (817-24)

100. Eugene II (824-27)

101. Valentine (827)

102. Gregory IV (827-44)

103. Sergius II (844-47)

104. St. Leo IV (847-55)

105. Benedict III (855-58)

106. St. Nicholas I (the Great) (858-67)

107. Adrian II (867-72)

108. John VIII (872-82)

109. Marinus I (882-84)

110. St. Adrian III (884-85)

111. Stephen VI (885-91)

112. Formosus (891-96)

113. Boniface VI (896)

114. Stephen VII (896-97)

115. Romanus (897)

116. Theodore II (897)

117. John IX (898-900)

118. Benedict IV (900-03)

119. Leo V (903)

120. Sergius III (904-11)

121. Anastasius III (911-13)

122. Lando (913-14)

123. John X (914-28)

124. Leo VI (928)

125. Stephen VIII (929-31)

126. John XI (931-35)

127. Leo VII (936-39)

128. Stephen IX (939-42)

129. Marinus II (942-46)

130. Agapetus II (946-55)

131. John XII (955-63)

132. Leo VIII (963-64)

133. Benedict V (964)

134. John XIII (965-72)

135. Benedict VI (973-74)

136. Benedict VII (974-83)

137. John XIV (983-84)

138. John XV (985-96)

139. Gregory V (996-99)

140. Sylvester II (999-1003)

141. John XVII (1003)

142. John XVIII (1003-09)

143. Sergius IV (1009-12)

144. Benedict VIII (1012-24)

145. John XIX (1024-32)

146. Benedict IX (1032-45)

147. Sylvester III (1045) -- Considered by some to be an Antipope

148. Benedict IX (1045)

149. Gregory VI (1045-46)

150. Clement II (1046-47)

151. Benedict IX (1047-48)

152. Damasus II (1048)

153. St. Leo IX (1049-54)

154. Victor II (1055-57)

155. Stephen X (1057-58)

156. Nicholas II (1058-61)

157. Alexander II (1061-73)

158. St. Gregory VII (1073-85)

159. Blessed Victor III (1086-87)

160. Blessed Urban II (1088-99)

161. Paschal II (1099-1118)

162. Gelasius II (1118-19)

163. Callistus II (1119-24)

164. Honorius II (1124-30)

165. Innocent II (1130-43)

166. Celestine II (1143-44)

167. Lucius II (1144-45)

168. Blessed Eugene III (1145-53)

169. Anastasius IV (1153-54)

170. Adrian IV (1154-59)

171. Alexander III (1159-81)

172. Lucius III (1181-85)

173. Urban III (1185-87)

174. Gregory VIII (1187)

175. Clement III (1187-91)

176. Celestine III (1191-98)

177. Innocent III (1198-1216)

178. Honorius III (1216-27)

179. Gregory IX (1227-41)

180. Celestine IV (1241)

181. Innocent IV (1243-54)

182. Alexander IV (1254-61)

183. Urban IV (1261-64)

184. Clement IV (1265-68)

185. Blessed Gregory X (1271-76)

186. Blessed Innocent V (1276)

187. Adrian V (1276)

188. John XXI (1276-77)

189. Nicholas III (1277-80)

190. Martin IV (1281-85)

191. Honorius IV (1285-87)

192. Nicholas IV (1288-92)

193. St. Celestine V (1294)

194. Boniface VIII (1294-1303)

195. Blessed Benedict XI (1303-04)

196. Clement V (1305-14)

197. John XXII (1316-34)

198. Benedict XII (1334-42)

299. Clement VI (1342-52)

200. Innocent VI (1352-62)

201. Blessed Urban V (1362-70)

202. Gregory XI (1370-78)

203. Urban VI (1378-89)

204. Boniface IX (1389-1404)

205. Innocent VII (1404-06)

206. Gregory XII (1406-15)

207. Martin V (1417-31)

208. Eugene IV (1431-47)

209. Nicholas V (1447-55)

210. Callistus III (1455-58)

211. Pius II (1458-64)

212. Paul II (1464-71)

213. Sixtus IV (1471-84)

214. Innocent VIII (1484-92)

215. Alexander VI (1492-1503)

216. Pius III (1503)

217. Julius II (1503-13)

218. Leo X (1513-21)

219. Adrian VI (1522-23)

220. Clement VII (1523-34)

221. Paul III (1534-49)

222. Julius III (1550-55)

223. Marcellus II (1555)

224. Paul IV (1555-59)

225. Pius IV (1559-65)

226. St. Pius V (1566-72)

227. Gregory XIII (1572-85)

228. Sixtus V (1585-90)

229. Urban VII (1590)

230. Gregory XIV (1590-91)

231. Innocent IX (1591)

232. Clement VIII (1592-1605)

233. Leo XI (1605)

234. Paul V (1605-21)

235. Gregory XV (1621-23)

236. Urban VIII (1623-44)

237. Innocent X (1644-55)

238. Alexander VII (1655-67)

239. Clement IX (1667-69)

240. Clement X (1670-76)

241. Blessed Innocent XI (1676-89)

242. Alexander VIII (1689-91)

243. Innocent XII (1691-1700)

244. Clement XI (1700-21)

245. Innocent XIII (1721-24)

246. Benedict XIII (1724-30)

247. Clement XII (1730-40)

248. Benedict XIV (1740-58)

249. Clement XIII (1758-69)

250. Clement XIV (1769-74)

251. Pius VI (1775-99)

252. Pius VII (1800-23)

253. Leo XII (1823-29)

254. Pius VIII (1829-30)

255. Gregory XVI (1831-46)

256. Blessed Pius IX (1846-78)

257. Leo XIII (1878-1903)

258. St. Pius X (1903-14)

259. Benedict XV (1914-22)

260. Pius XI (1922-39)

261. Pius XII (1939-58)

262. Blessed John XXIII (1958-63)

263. Paul VI (1963-78)

264. John Paul I (1978)

265. John Paul II (1978-2005)

266. Benedict XVI (2005-2013)

267. Pope Francis (2013-)



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