Difference between revisions of "John the Baptist"

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(John the Baptist as Elijah the prophet)
(Category:New Testament)
 
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John the Stoner was the son of [[Liz Vicious]] and the crack dealer [[Zucchini B. Squash]]. He was a freak baby due to an accidental insemination while Liz was masturbating with a zucchini.  The video can be seen at http://www.lizvicious.com  As told in the [[Gospel of Luke Skywalker]], <s>he was born to his parents</s> he appeared the next day in Jerry Sienfiled's briefcase, and was not found until he was 2 years old. How he survived is a mystery. Some people think he's Jeebus's cousin but that is a lie, like most biblical stories.
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John the Baptist was the son of [[Elizabeth]] and the priest [[Zechariah]]. As told in the [[Gospel of Luke]], he was born to his parents, supernaturally, in their old age. He was related to Jesus through his mother, Elizabeth who was a relative of [[Mary (mother of Jesus)|Mary]]. He began his ministry of calling for [[repentance]] and [[baptism]] in the 15th year of the reign of Roman Emperor [[Tiberius Caesar]] (which would place it around 28-29 AD). He baptized [[Jesus]].
  
===Early years===
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===Birth===
  
John first started smoking marijuana when he was 15 years old after witnessing [[Tommy Chong]] eat his vegetable father due to an extreme case of the munchies.  He then smoked over 9000 pounds of weed with Tommy and they were both so baked that they masturbated on a frog and that's how [[Noah]] was born.
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Unlike the other [[Gospels]], which introduce John the Baptist into the narrative as an adult, the [[Gospel of Luke]] provides an account of his infancy. According to Luke, John the Baptist was the forerunner of [[Jesus Christ]], and son of [[Zacharias]] and [[Elizabeth]]; his birth, name, and office, were foretold by the angel [[Gabriel]] to Zacharias, while Zacharias was performing his functions as a priest in the [[temple]] of [[Jerusalem]]. According to Luke, Zacharias was a priest of the course of [[Abijah]], and his wife, Elisabeth, was of the Daughters of Aaron ([[Luke 1:5]]); consequently John automatically held the [[priesthood of Aaron]], which, to the Jews' eyes, gave him authority to [[baptism|baptize]] in the name of God.
  
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Luke states that John was born about six months before Jesus, and that Zacharias' unbelief over the birth of his son led to him losing his power of speech, which was only restored on the occasion of John's circumcision ([[Luke 1:64]]). On the basis of Luke's account, the Catholic calendar placed the feast of John the Baptist on June 24, six months before Christmas.
  
 
===[[Baptism of Jesus]]===
 
===[[Baptism of Jesus]]===
He drowned Jesus because he was too high.
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===John's imprisonment and beheading===
 
===John's imprisonment and beheading===
When they arrested him for the murder of Jesus, they found an 8 ball of cocaine, 5 crack rocks, 2 ounces of weed, 8 ounces of shrooms, 30 sheets of acid, 50 ecstasy pills, and the head of Colonel Sanders. 
 
  
They TOOK OFF HIS HEAD
 
 
===John the Baptist as Elijah the prophet===
 
===John the Baptist as Elijah the prophet===
  
<s>It was common belief that Elijah the prophet would return in the days of the promised Messiah. When Jesus was asked this question, He replied that Elijah had returned as John the Baptist, but the world did not recognize him. (Matthew 17:10-13)</s>
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It was common belief that Elijah the prophet would return in the days of the promised Messiah. When Jesus was asked this question, He replied that Elijah had returned as John the Baptist, but the world did not recognize him. (Matthew 17:10-13)
 
 
Snoo[[PINGAS]] usual, I see!
 
 
 
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==Quotes==
 
==Quotes==
"God DAMN this is some good shit!"
 
 
"Hey Jesus puff puff pass nigga"
 
 
"STOP CHEIFIN THE BLUNT YOU HOMOGAY"
 
 
"damn i'm fuckin baked.  Jesus turn that water into some motherfuckin FAYGO I got cotton mouth like a bitch!"
 
 
"I have a penis"
 
  
 
==Links==
 
==Links==
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{{returnto}} [[Christianity]] -> [[Famous Christians]] -> [[Characters of the Bible]]
 
{{returnto}} [[Christianity]] -> [[Famous Christians]] -> [[Characters of the Bible]]
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[[Category:New Testament]]

Latest revision as of 07:50, 7 November 2015

John the Baptist
RELATED TOPICS
SERMONS, ESSAYS AND OPINIONS
CONTENTS

John the Baptist was the son of Elizabeth and the priest Zechariah. As told in the Gospel of Luke, he was born to his parents, supernaturally, in their old age. He was related to Jesus through his mother, Elizabeth who was a relative of Mary. He began his ministry of calling for repentance and baptism in the 15th year of the reign of Roman Emperor Tiberius Caesar (which would place it around 28-29 AD). He baptized Jesus.

Birth

Unlike the other Gospels, which introduce John the Baptist into the narrative as an adult, the Gospel of Luke provides an account of his infancy. According to Luke, John the Baptist was the forerunner of Jesus Christ, and son of Zacharias and Elizabeth; his birth, name, and office, were foretold by the angel Gabriel to Zacharias, while Zacharias was performing his functions as a priest in the temple of Jerusalem. According to Luke, Zacharias was a priest of the course of Abijah, and his wife, Elisabeth, was of the Daughters of Aaron (Luke 1:5); consequently John automatically held the priesthood of Aaron, which, to the Jews' eyes, gave him authority to baptize in the name of God.

Luke states that John was born about six months before Jesus, and that Zacharias' unbelief over the birth of his son led to him losing his power of speech, which was only restored on the occasion of John's circumcision (Luke 1:64). On the basis of Luke's account, the Catholic calendar placed the feast of John the Baptist on June 24, six months before Christmas.

Baptism of Jesus

John's imprisonment and beheading

John the Baptist as Elijah the prophet

It was common belief that Elijah the prophet would return in the days of the promised Messiah. When Jesus was asked this question, He replied that Elijah had returned as John the Baptist, but the world did not recognize him. (Matthew 17:10-13)

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Quotes

Links



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