Essence of Christianity

Zombie Jesus From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. Jump to: navigation, search “Oh! So, Jesus was a zombie then?”

~ a Japanese schoolchild on Jesus Those obsessed with so-called-experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Zombie Jesus.

“Sweet Zombie Jesus!”

~ Hubert J. Farnsworth on The Big Z-J “The only thing worse than being talked about is having Zombie Jesus eat your face off.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Zombie Jesus “Graaaagh! Am Zarmbah G-Zaz!”

~ Zombie Jesus on Himself “He died for your sins, now hes back for your brains!”

~ Noah on Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus is notoriously hard to put down.Zombie Jesus is the form regular Jesus took when he first returned to Earth following the Crucifixion.

Contents [hide] 1 History 2 Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus 3 Defeating Zombie Jesus 4 Vampire Jesus? 5 Trivia 6 See also

[edit] History After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God's salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.

[edit] Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus contemplating ecumenical matters.Zombie Jesus' words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the "Book of Brains". The most famous part of the "Book of Brains" is the "Parable of the Brains", in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: "Braaaiiins.... braaaiiinnnss... braaaaiinss!!" (in the original Greek of the Gospel, "μυαλό.... μυααααλό.... μυααααλό!!!").

"Sweet Zombie Jesus!"He also performed the Miracle of the Brains, in which two brains fed an assembled crowd of five thousand zombies. In yet another miracle, Jesus turned flesh and innards into brains. In one of Zombie Jesus' acts, a crowd had assembled to stone an adulterous woman. Zombie Jesus said " Gragghghha grragh braaaaagh." Which can be loosely translated as; "Let he among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then Zombie Jesus proceeded to eat her brain. After, he was said to say that her brain was "gooey and deliceious, just the way mom makes them."

[edit] Defeating Zombie Jesus Unlike the common zombie, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets could defeat Zombie Jesus. And it took more than your regular garden variety cancer to do this. The Soviets had massive amounts of nuclear waste after the Warm War, so they decided to dump it all over the world. One day, while shuffling around looking for delictable brains, Zombie Jesus stumbled upon a radioactive lump of waste. It instantly absorbed him and began to mutate him, soon he was no longer a zombie, for he began to grow in size and tentacles erupted from his sides, this is how the Kraken was created. He lived as a Kraken for many years, but only made several little Kraken babies, that is the reason we have so few Kraken today. After some years of being a Kraken he swam into a floating radioactive lump dumped into the ocean by the Soviets. He was mutated back into the form of a man, which was very short lived for he was quickly killed by a Nazi.

The title of Mel Gibson's upcoming flick, Night of the Living Zombie Jesus.He naturally re-rose from the dead as a zombie three days later to continue his endless slaughter (this occasion is celebrated by Zombie Easter, in which people put up decorations of the Zombie Easter Bunny). When his terrified victims voiced their doubt that Zombie Jesus could have returned yet again, he offered to let them feel the shovel-shaped hole in his skull. Their disbelief assuaged, Zombie Jesus happily ate their faces off.

Zombie Jesus was finally defeated in 1369 AD when he was tricked by a priest into consuming a host. After being informed he had just consumed his own body, Zombie Jesus vanished in a puff of brain dust.

Scientologists, however, believe this was a coincidence, and that instead, the Undead Savior was blown up by some method, scattering his essence throughout the atmosphere. If this is the case, it is likely that the eventual incorporation of his molecules into every living thing gave rise to the saying that "Zombie Jesus lives in all of our hearts."....or that the inhalation of a formerly undead savior will cause breathing complications.

It seems likely that if the Scientologists' claim is to be believed, Zombie Jesus may have been killed by an apple pie, the polar opposite of zombie. However, the only kind of apple pie that Zombie Jesus is not resistant to is Satan's Apple Pie, which was lost after Zombie Jesus was killed. There is no evidence for this claim, and when asked, Satan responded, "What the hell are you talking about? Get the hell out of... hell!"

Will Zombie Jesus rise yet again? Only time may tell.

[edit] Vampire Jesus?

Yeah, the 'wine-is-my-blood' thing wasn't metaphorical. 12 undead disciples, suckah!Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained. Such as the fact that Zombie(?) Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.

The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.

[edit] Trivia [edit] See also Apocalypse Zombie War ZombieJesus.com More of him The real Zombie Jesus HOLY GOSPEL OF JESUS(THE REAL ONE)