Difference between revisions of "Denominations"

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((Removed one of the new sentences because it didn't seem to fit well at this point of the article and it wasn't quite clear to me what it mean))
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{{quote | text=The 'outsider' who knows nothing of the mixture of tradition, conviction, honest difference, and hidden resentment, that lies behind the divisions of the Christian Church sees clearly the advantage of a united Christian front and cannot see why the Churches cannot 'get together'. The problem is doubtless complicated, for there are many honest differences held with equal sincerity, but it is only made insoluble because the different denominations are (possibly unconsciously) imagining God to be Roman or Anglican or Baptist or Methodist or Presbyterian or what have you.  ([[J.B. Phillips]])}}
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==A snarky summary of the Bible==
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{{Infobox_Contents |
 
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  topic_name = Denominations |
 
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  subtopics = [[Denominations Index]]
 
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* [[Assyrian Church of the East]], [[Eastern Orthodox Church]], [[Eastern Oriental Church]], [[Roman Catholic Church]] and [[Eastern Rite Catholic Churches]], [[Protestant Church]], [[Pentecostal Church]]
 
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* [[Church]], [[Church history]]
 
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* [[Evangelicalism]], [[Liberalism]], [[Charismatic]] |
 
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  opinion_pieces = {{short_opinions}}
 
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* [[Church History (G.G.)]] |
 
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}}
 
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{{YouTube Video|youtube=oAnGPGd9NyM|title=Mark Driscoll on Denominations}}
 
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[[Image:Christian denominations.png|thumb|A flow chart showing the major denominations]]
 
  
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Although there is only one universal Christian [[Church]], there are tens of thousands of [[Christian]] branches of Christianity.  These branches of Christianity are referred to as denominations.  These denominations have formed and divided since the time of [[Christ]], because Christians have had differences in beliefs and practices. Some of the main groups include [[Eastern Orthodoxy]], [[Roman Catholicism]] and the [[Protestant churches]] and [[Pentecostal churches]].   
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''The Bible'' is the most popular fantasy novel ever written.  The first main character is a stuttering, orphaned, Jewish murderer named Moses, who was raised by the Egyptian royalty.  He leads a resistance and eventually escapes Egypt with his people, and then wanders around the desert for a while, and after he dies his people go on to create Israel without him. He told people that he followed a god that was their god now, and they had to follow him or else.  This god was so special because Moses said he created the Earth some two thousand years before, over a seven day period.  Then his god put people on the earth, starting with a guy, then eventually giving him a wife.  They [[Fun:Original sin|ate a fruit]] when Moses' god told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of the paradise he made for them.  Since there was no more paradise, this made carnivorous animals start to eat other animals, all because of us.<ref>  Now godless [[Paleontology|paleontologists]] imagine they've found evidence of carnivorous animals eating other animals before humans existed.  That shows how ignorant and evil paleontologists are. They contradict the Bible.  Wait a moment.  The Bible's fantasy fiction.  So paleontologists aren't evil after all.
  
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===[[Roman Catholicism]]===
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Vegetarians are so ashamed of this, that they stopped eating other animals.</ref>  The only people worth talking about at this point were inbred from this first couple.  Later, an alcoholic named Noah built a boat because Moses' god told him to.  Then that god told him to collect two each of the billions of species on Earth.  Once all the species were collected, that god then drowned everything and everyone else because they pissed him off.  Then Noah and his wife got down to another round of inbreeding, and all modern humans are inbred cousins through them.  Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants, animals, and insects, etc. had repopulated the earth, bringing us back to the main plot line.  A bunch of crappy stuff happens to the Jews, until a new main character is introduced.
  
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The Roman Catholic Church is a major Christian [[denomination]]. It's head-quarters are in Rome but it has congregations throughout the world. It claims to have an unbroken leadership first from [[Jesus Christ]], through the [[apostle Peter]] to the [[pope]] by [[Apostolic Succession]].
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The new character is called [[Fun:Jesus|Jesus]], whose mother was a virgin, and who is supposed to be his own dad (no, really!). He came along and told people that they should believe in him, because he was the only way into this awesome new paradise in Heaven, where animals don't eat each other any more.<ref>Vegetarians rejoice!</ref>  He proved all this, and that he wasn't faking, by doing magic tricks for any people who would stop and listen to him.  Then some hateful Jews came along and got him killed, because they thought his teachings were hate-speech, and had to be destroyed.  Then he goes on to an underworld full of pain and suffering.  However, a few days later he crawled back out, and this now-zombie Jesus rolled away a rock and scared two poor innocent women, then joined the poor saps he had tricked, and had them poke fingers in him, and told spooky stories about the afterlife.  He reiterated that everyone had to believe in him or they wouldn't make it to the happy afterlife. After this, Jesus crawls up to heaven, and his poor saps are left on Earth without him, just waiting for a new main character to lead the way.
  
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===[[Eastern Orthodoxy]]===
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===Previous snarky summary===
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Perhaps the most popular fantasy novel ever written.  Wait a moment --  Moslems think the [[Koran]] is better!  Anyway, the main character, Jesus (a zombie who was his own father) was born of a virgin. He came to tell mankind that they should believe in  him or he will punish them for eternity in hell ( a dark hot place underground).  To prove that he is not just faking he did magic tricks for the people who would listen to his speeches.  He told people that the earth was create 8 thousand years ago, over a seven day period.  He put two people Adam and Eve on earth.  They ate an apple when he told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of paradise.  All of mankind is their inbred descendants.  Later an alcoholic named Moses built a boat because God told him to.  God then told him to collect two of the billions of species on earth in just a few days.  Once all the species were collected, God drowned everything, and everyone else because they pissed him off.  Then Moses and his wife got down to the inbreeding.  Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants animals, insects etc. had repopulated the earth.  Then some filthy Jews escaped Egypt and wondered around the desert for a while before making Israel. Jesus was born the filthy Jews killed him, he went to hell and laughed at all the people that were sent there came back to life as zombie, and told everyone spooky stories about hell. Then he went to heaven a (happy place up in the sky) the end.
  
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The Eastern Orthodox Church is a body of Christians that claims origins extending directly back to [[Jesus]] and his [[Apostles]] through unbroken [[Apostolic Succession]]. Its doctrines were formalized through a series of church councils in the following centuries. Toward the end of its first thousand years of existence differences developed between the Church in the Eastern and Western Roman Empire that ultimately led to the [[Great Schism]] in 1054 dividing Christianity into [[Roman Catholicism]] and Eastern Orthodoxy. Today the Eastern Orthodox Church includes the the various national churches of Eastern Europe such as the [[Greek Orthodox]] and [[Russian Orthodox]] churches, and maintains a strong presence in these ethnic communities in countries such as the United States and Australia.
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==References and notes==
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<references/>
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===[[Oriental Orthodoxy]]===
 
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The Oriental Orthodox Communion refers to the churches of Eastern Christian traditions that keep the faith of only the first three [[ecumenical councils]] and reject the the [[Council of Chalcedon]]. Thus, despite potentially confusing nomenclature, Oriental Orthodox churches are distinct from the churches that collectively refer to themselves as [[Eastern Orthodoxy]]. The Oriental Orthodox churches came to a parting of the ways with the remainder of Christianity in the 5th century. The separation resulted in part from the Oriental Orthodox churches' refusal to accept the view that [[Nature of Christ|Jesus has two natures]] — one divine and one human. The Oriental Churches include the [[Armenian Apostolic Church]], [[Coptic Orthodox Church]] and the [[Syrian Orthodox Church]].
 
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===[[Assyrian Church of the East]]===
 
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The Holy Apostolic and Catholic Assyrian Church of the East is a church that traces its origins to the See of Babylon, said to be founded by the [[apostle Thomas]]. It is also called the Assyrian Orthodox Church, but should not be confused with the distinct [[Syriac Orthodox Church]], which belongs to [[Oriental Orthodoxy]]. Its geographical origins lie in [[Iraq]] and [[Iran]] and it onced stretched to [[Xian]] in [[China]] and [[Kerala]] in [[India]]. It officially divided from the other Christian churches in 431 AD following the [[Council of Ephesus]] which repudiated [[Nestorianism]] and as such it is often known as the Nestorian Church, however its theology is not strictly Nestorian. Today there are about 5 million members of the church, of which most live in [[Iraq]], [[Iran]], [[Syria]] and [[Lebanon]].
 
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===[[Protestantism]]===
 
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Protestantism is a movement within [[Christianity]], representing a split from the [[Roman Catholic Church]] that occurred during the sixteenth century in Europe — a period known as the Protestant [[Reformation]]. The split occurred primarily over issues of doctrine, especially the issue of [[Justification by faith]] versus [[Justification by faith plus works]]. Some of the main Protestant church denominations today include the [[Lutheran Church]], [[Anglican Communion]] and the [[Baptist Church]].
 
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===[[Pentecostalism]]===
 
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The Pentecostal movement within [[Christianity]] places special emphasis on the gifts of the [[Holy Spirit]], especially talking in [[tongues]]. Some Pentecostals believe that belief in Christ and salvation is always accompanied initially by the outward evidence of speaking in tongues. Some of the main Pentecostal denominations today include the [[Assemblies of God]], the [[Church of God in Christ]] and the [[Pentecostal Assemblies of the World]].
 
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==Quotes==
 
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[[J.B. Philips]]
 
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: The 'outsider' who knows nothing of the mixture of tradition, conviction, honest difference, and hidden resentment, that lies behind the divisions of the Christian Church sees clearly the advantage of a united Christian front and cannot see why the Churches cannot 'get together'. The problem is doubtless complicated, for there are many honest differences held with equal sincerity, but it is only made insoluble because the different denominations are (possibly unconsciously) imagining God to be Roman or Anglican or Baptist or Methodist or Presbyterian or what have you. If they could see beyond their little inadequate god, and glimpse the reality of God, they might even laugh a little and perhaps weep a little. The result would be a unity that actually does transcend differences, instead of ignoring them with public politeness and private contempt. 
 
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==Links==
 
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* [http://youtube.com/watch?v=oAnGPGd9NyM&rel=1&feature=related Related YouTube Videos]
 
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{{returnto}} [[Christianity]] -> [[Church]]
 
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[[Category:Denominations]]
 
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[[Category:Videos]]
 

Revision as of 05:16, 21 September 2008

A snarky summary of the Bible

The Bible is the most popular fantasy novel ever written. The first main character is a stuttering, orphaned, Jewish murderer named Moses, who was raised by the Egyptian royalty. He leads a resistance and eventually escapes Egypt with his people, and then wanders around the desert for a while, and after he dies his people go on to create Israel without him. He told people that he followed a god that was their god now, and they had to follow him or else. This god was so special because Moses said he created the Earth some two thousand years before, over a seven day period. Then his god put people on the earth, starting with a guy, then eventually giving him a wife. They ate a fruit when Moses' god told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of the paradise he made for them. Since there was no more paradise, this made carnivorous animals start to eat other animals, all because of us.[1] The only people worth talking about at this point were inbred from this first couple. Later, an alcoholic named Noah built a boat because Moses' god told him to. Then that god told him to collect two each of the billions of species on Earth. Once all the species were collected, that god then drowned everything and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Noah and his wife got down to another round of inbreeding, and all modern humans are inbred cousins through them. Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants, animals, and insects, etc. had repopulated the earth, bringing us back to the main plot line. A bunch of crappy stuff happens to the Jews, until a new main character is introduced.

The new character is called Jesus, whose mother was a virgin, and who is supposed to be his own dad (no, really!). He came along and told people that they should believe in him, because he was the only way into this awesome new paradise in Heaven, where animals don't eat each other any more.[2] He proved all this, and that he wasn't faking, by doing magic tricks for any people who would stop and listen to him. Then some hateful Jews came along and got him killed, because they thought his teachings were hate-speech, and had to be destroyed. Then he goes on to an underworld full of pain and suffering. However, a few days later he crawled back out, and this now-zombie Jesus rolled away a rock and scared two poor innocent women, then joined the poor saps he had tricked, and had them poke fingers in him, and told spooky stories about the afterlife. He reiterated that everyone had to believe in him or they wouldn't make it to the happy afterlife. After this, Jesus crawls up to heaven, and his poor saps are left on Earth without him, just waiting for a new main character to lead the way.

Previous snarky summary

Perhaps the most popular fantasy novel ever written. Wait a moment -- Moslems think the Koran is better! Anyway, the main character, Jesus (a zombie who was his own father) was born of a virgin. He came to tell mankind that they should believe in him or he will punish them for eternity in hell ( a dark hot place underground). To prove that he is not just faking he did magic tricks for the people who would listen to his speeches. He told people that the earth was create 8 thousand years ago, over a seven day period. He put two people Adam and Eve on earth. They ate an apple when he told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of paradise. All of mankind is their inbred descendants. Later an alcoholic named Moses built a boat because God told him to. God then told him to collect two of the billions of species on earth in just a few days. Once all the species were collected, God drowned everything, and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Moses and his wife got down to the inbreeding. Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants animals, insects etc. had repopulated the earth. Then some filthy Jews escaped Egypt and wondered around the desert for a while before making Israel. Jesus was born the filthy Jews killed him, he went to hell and laughed at all the people that were sent there came back to life as zombie, and told everyone spooky stories about hell. Then he went to heaven a (happy place up in the sky) the end.

References and notes

  1. ↑ Now godless paleontologists imagine they've found evidence of carnivorous animals eating other animals before humans existed. That shows how ignorant and evil paleontologists are. They contradict the Bible. Wait a moment. The Bible's fantasy fiction. So paleontologists aren't evil after all. Vegetarians are so ashamed of this, that they stopped eating other animals.
  2. ↑ Vegetarians rejoice!
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