Church
The beautiful Church of Ass and Nipple Slips has many methods of worship. Some from the days of old, some quite recent. Here is a comphrehensive list of the most important methods. The Church takes its rituals very seriously. So, if you ever have plan to violate them and do something that resembles an act of worship gone wrong you may be arrested by the Church Police, to be held captive and flogged indefinitely. All those who prefer BDSM over the missionary position are most welcome to try that fact out. The rest, please, check your health insurance first.
Contents
Classic Methods of Worship
“Bend to my will, you will.”
Bend Over: This requires a 30° to 70° forward tilt of torso (as demonstrated in the picture), while tilt of the head may vary from 30° backward to 45° forward. A less than 35° bending of knees is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are strongly advised against. Best results are achieved with a dropping of straps, ideally from both shoulders. Adopted by any good Christian from any church.
Press Hard
“When a little nudge goes a long way, you know you have got it.”
This requires the arms to slide close together in the fron part of the body (as demonstrated in the picture), cutting the gap between them while hanging limp by the side of the body from 25% to 55%. Putting the hands in an angular position, between 15° to 25°, is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are encouraged, especially when a dress is worn. Best results are achieved with an extremely low-neck top, ideally a bikini tri-top. Many worshippers reinforce the effect by wearing semi-transparent apparel. Some also make use of he air conditioner or ice-cubes applied at regular intervals. Saint Jolie, Saint Berry and Saint Banks are among the famous pratitioners of this method.
Drop Off
“Drop whatever is there, and reach for it.”
This is the simplest, but least followed method. This requires a dropping of straps, one or both, about 15 inches or more (as demonstrated in the picture), and leaving them at it for at least 5 minutes. It must always be accompanied by a silly grin and vapid eyes. It can be practiced in any posture - standing erect or bent, lying down or sitting. Generally it is followed by a frantic re-placement of the straps, by self or an assistant. Best results are achieved on stage, on camera or on Howard Stern Show. Saint Janet, Saint Reid, and Saint Hilton are famous this method.
Slide Out
“Sliding is child's play.”
This method is often used while in motion, i.e. running, trotting, jogging, or walking. It requires a loosely hung top with wide cuts down the sides, prefferably an overall (as demonstrated in the picture), while deep necks are not necessary at all. A gait that induces a sidelong sawying of hips in the vicinity of 25° is often required. It must always be accompanied by unfocused eyes and nondescript expressions, and may be maintained for hours on end. For best results a nipple-ring may be used. A notable effect of this method is the sawing motion of the object of exhibition, which in generael is not achieved by other methods.
Act Innocent
“Do not question my innocence. Contrary to what you think, I really don't know if I inhaled or... whatever. I would like to try that again.”
This method is used to confuse the general population into thinking that in fact, it was an accident. This can be accomplished by making a face of "OH SHIT!", or basically just hiding under your hat. This method achieves the second highest degree of worship, in that onlookers are completely oblivious to what they are really seeing. Saint Lohan and Saint Reid has been personally propagating this method through innumerable public worshipping, especially since she had the sacred silicon implanted on her bosom.
Be Proud
“What? Me proud?”
This final, and most holy method of worship, is achieved by showing that you don't care (as demonstrated in the picture), and in fact you are PROUD of the act. Being outright proud of showing your body is the ultimate zen of the church, and the highest act of worship. It is also necessary to smile at the pagan onlookers, preferably while putting hands on the hips (with a 35° bend at the elbow) and jutting out the breasts (with a 15° reverse-bend at the elbow) - a posture of defiance adopted by other churches as well. The posture is said to have derived from Joan of Arc. For further proud postures contact: Sophia.
Go Sheer
“I believe in what I see, feel, grop, tease or lick. The rest is metaphysical crap. Seeing is sizing up.”
This particular method has been around much longer than the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips. Some heretic researchers tend to quote it as a proof that there are many pre-christian worship methods assimilated in the church. References of Roman and Hindu devotees wearing sheer see-through clothes has repeatedly surfaced in this line of argument. Chiffon, muslin, georgette and other fabric material are necessary for this practice, often in conjunction with water. The highest congregration practicing this worship method is known as the Wet T-Shirt Contest, an annual mass of Wet T-Shirt Contestants is called Spring Break.
Modern Methods of Worship
Lie Down
“Thou shall not lie without a profit.”
This reqiures a horizontal position (as demonstrated in the picture), prefferably with 15° to 35° tilt of torso and a 30° to 65° bend of one or both knees facing upwards. The head may be kept in alignment with the body, or swung not more than 45° to any side. Placing hands over the genital and/or one or both breasts is not prohibited. Keeping the knees at least 19 centimeters apart is highly recommended. The Softcore School argues for strategic use of sheets, while the Hardcore School argues for a dildo.
Stand Up
“Get up stand up, stand up for your right. Sit down you clown, sit down for your left.”
This is the most difficult of all methods of worship, as it requires no bending, sawying, tilting, swinging or nudging. In fact it stands against the all the familiar and popular activities associated with other methods. Sometimes the worshipper may take take a break to perform some bending or tilting (as demonstrated in the picture), but it is generally advised against. Best results are achieved without any use of an outside object, i.e. pubic hair, dildo, nipple-ring, clit-ring, shit/sheet, hard hat, hard on or push-up bra. It is commonly practiced en mass at festivals like Springbreak, Mardi Gras and Carnival. Temples of Window in the Holy District of Red Lights feature the most avid practitioners. An expression of orgasmic pleasure and/or pathological pain is optional.
Stuff In
“Got any stuff?”
This requires a massive amount of silicon, sometimes up to 11 tonnes, stuffed into the boobs, the holiest of body parts. The result is such that a slip is achieved without trying. In fact, with this method, a slip can not be avoided anywhere for more than 9.2 minutes, a record established by Saint Spears at some concert or other. But even Saint Spears could achieve that timing only once. Saint Anderson is the most famous practitioner of this method. It implies a strong spinal column, stronger home videos and cuts into back muscles made by over-taxed bra straps. Many of the practitioners are known to wear dress tops only when the law requires it.
Cases against Worship
Dangle Extra
“Me three.”
Anyone with more than two tits is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. The first and last time it was attempted, at a Soccer match between Manchester United and Chelsea half of the fans/hooligans stormed out of the stadium, and the other half wanted to play, not with the ball out on the field, but with those showcased on the flasher's chest. The following commotion comvinced Saint Lohan and the church that this should be made the primary case against worship.
Round Off
“I make the world go round.”
Anyone with a hip circumference of more than one meter is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. Once common among non-believers from Palestine, who never had a hip less than two meter in circumference, it used to be a popular sport for girls from Canada. Many of them had made abundant use of silicon to increase hip size. When an Order of Bubble Butts was proposed to the church, it came the notice of Saint Lohan, and was promptly prohibited.
Sprouting Man
“My man, you're a man.”
Worship is generally prohibited for men who has sprouted boobs, or are owners of cute bubble butts. This prohibition is laxed only in the case of men who have been admitted into the Sisterhood and worships only in front of Dragqueens or in Gay Bars. There have been an ecclesiastical battle going against Church of the Gay Bar around this prohibition. The artist formerly known as Prince and David Bowie has been in the forefornt of the movement to demand a sanction of worship for sprouting men. Though the movement is strongly suppoerted by Oprah, it is yet to be ratified by the Pope.
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