Difference between revisions of "Church"

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{{quote | text=The church is not a building. Nor is it an organisation or human institution. The church is simply the people whose sins have been forgiven through their faith Jesus Christ... (An extract from the book [[Once a Catholic]] by [[Tony Coffey]])}}
<div class="boilerplate metadata" id="stub" style="background-color:#E0BE40; overflow: hidden;">
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{{Infobox_Contents |
<div style="float: left; padding: 5px;">[[Image:051111115750 95-1-.gif|85px]]</div>
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  topic_name = Church / Ecclesiology
----
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[[Image:Christians at lourdes.jpg|thumb|center|Christians at [[Lourdes]].]] |
'''<center>No better than a [[Kitten Huffing|Kitten Huffer]] you are, if here a talk page you expected.<br/></center>
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  subtopics = [[Nature of the church]]
'''<center><big>For the talk page, [[Yoda]] advises, [[User talk:Aditya Kabir|here]] you click.</big></center>'''
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* [[Mission of the church]]
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* [[Church Terms Index]]
</div>
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* Contemporary Ecclesiology Issues and Terminology - [[Megachurch]], [[Home church]], [[Emerging church]], [[Incarnational church]]
{{TOCright}}
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* [[Church building]]
{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] '''Read Carefully. Will yea?'''}}
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* [[Church history]]
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* [[Denominations]]
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* [[World-wide church directory]]
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* [[Church service]] |
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  opinion_pieces = [[Church (discussion)]]
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* {{ebd}}
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* [[What is the Church? (G.G.)]]
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* [[The Theology of the Church (AmericanCatholic)]]
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* [[The Church (justforcatholics.org)]] |
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}}
  
The beautiful [[The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips|Church of Ass and Nipple Slips]] has many methods of worship. Some from the days of old, some quite recent. Here is a comphrehensive list of the most important methods. The Church takes its [[ritual]]s very seriously. So, if you ever have plan to violate them and do something that resembles an act of worship gone wrong you may be arrested by the Church Police, to be held captive and flogged indefinitely. All those who prefer BDSM over the missionary position are most welcome to try that fact out. The rest, please, check your health insurance first.
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The word '''church''' is used in many different ways. The '''church''' is the Christian community of believers, that is, it is the people. Sometimes the word '''church''' is also used to refer to a [[church building]] (the building used in [[Christian]] [[worship]]) or a [[church service]] (the weekly meeting of a group of Christians in a church building) or to a church [[denomination]].  
  
{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] '''Methods of Worship. Go learn.'''}}
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'''Ecclesiology''' means the study of the doctrine of the church.
  
==<font color ="Blue">Classic Methods of Worship</font>==
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===Etymology===
[[Image:Marcy.JPG|thumb|left|136px|'''''Position 01''''']]
 
{{q|Bend to my will, you will.|God|Worship}}
 
'''Bend Over:''' This requires a 30° to 70° forward tilt of torso (as demonstrated in the picture), while tilt of the head may vary from 30° backward to 45° forward. A less than 35° bending of knees is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are strongly advised against. Best results are achieved with a dropping of straps, ideally from both shoulders. Adopted by any good [[Christian]] from any church.
 
  
===Press Hard===
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The Greek word ekklesia ([[Εκκλησια]]) is translated as "church" in English.
[[Image:Ww2.jpg|thumb|right|90px|'''''Position 02''''']]
 
{{q|When a little nudge goes a long way, you know you have got it.|FDR|[[Leadership]]}}
 
This requires the arms to slide close together in the fron part of the body (as demonstrated in the picture), cutting the gap between them while hanging limp by the side of the body from 25% to 55%. Putting the hands in an angular position, between 15° to 25°, is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are encouraged, especially when a dress is worn. Best results are achieved with an extremely low-neck top, ideally a bikini tri-top. Many worshippers reinforce the effect by wearing semi-transparent apparel. Some also make use of he air conditioner or ice-cubes applied at regular intervals. Saint [[Angelina Jolie|Jolie]], Saint [[Halle Berry|Berry]] and Saint [[Tyra Banks|Banks]] are among the famous pratitioners of this method.
 
  
===Drop Off===
+
This word ekklesia was used in ancient [[Koine Greek|Greek]] to mean "gathering" or "assembly" in a political sense. In the ancient Greek translation of the Old Testament, the [[LXX]], the word ekklesia occurs over 200 times (usually as a translation from the Hebrew word qahal), most commonly to refer to the assembly of the covenant people of God. In the [[New Testament]] the word ekklesia occurs in the [[gospels]] only twice ([[Matthew 16:16]] and [[Matthew 18:20]]), but it occurs many times elsewhere in the [[New Testament]].  
[[Image:Ddl01.jpg|thumb|left|160px|'''''Position 03''''']]
 
{{q|Drop whatever is there, and reach for it.|Timothy Leary|Bliss}}
 
This is the simplest, but least followed method. This requires a dropping of straps, one or both, about 15 inches or more (as demonstrated in the picture), and leaving them at it for at least 5 minutes. It must always be accompanied by a silly grin and vapid eyes. It can be practiced in any posture - standing erect or bent, lying down or sitting. Generally it is followed by a frantic re-placement of the straps, by self or an assistant. Best results are achieved on stage, on camera or on [[Howard Stern]] Show. Saint [[Janet Jackson|Janet]], Saint [[Tara Reid|Reid]], and Saint [[Paris Hilton (person)|Hilton]] are famous this method.  
 
  
===Slide Out===
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From the Greek root ekklesia, the English word Ecclesiology is derived, which is the study of the doctrine of the church.  
[[Image:Paris Hilton4.jpg|thumb|right|120px|'''''Position 04''''']]
 
{{q|Sliding is child's play.|Hugh Hefner|[[Playboy]]}}
 
This method is often used while in motion, i.e. running, trotting, jogging, or walking. It requires a loosely hung top with wide cuts down the sides, prefferably an overall (as demonstrated in the picture), while deep necks are not necessary at all. A gait that induces a sidelong sawying of hips in the vicinity of 25° is often required. It must always be accompanied by unfocused eyes and nondescript expressions, and may be maintained for hours on end. For best results a nipple-ring may be used. A notable effect of this method is the sawing motion of the object of exhibition, which in generael is not achieved by other methods.
 
  
===Act Innocent===
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The English word "church" itself is actually derived from the Old English word "cirice" (which is related to the [[Greek]] word "κυριακή" which means "of the Lord")
[[Image:Oopsidoopsi.jpg|thumb|left|90px|'''''Position 05''''']]
 
{{q|Do not question my innocence. Contrary to what you think, I really don't know if I inhaled or... whatever. I would like to try that again.|The Pope|[[Marijuana]]}}
 
This method is used to confuse the general population into thinking that in fact, it was an accident. This can be accomplished by making a face of "OH SHIT!", or basically just hiding under your hat. This method achieves the second highest degree of worship, in that onlookers are completely oblivious to what they are [[fart|really]] seeing. Saint [[Lindsay Lohan|Lohan]] and Saint [[Tara Reid|Reid]] has been personally propagating this method through innumerable public worshipping, especially since she had the sacred silicon implanted on her bosom.
 
  
===Be Proud===
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===Uses of the word "church" in common English===
[[Image:Ginag0839w.jpg|thumb|right|90px|'''''Position 06''''']]
 
{{q|What? Me proud?|Alfred E. Newman|Worry}}
 
This final, and most [[holy]] method of worship, is achieved by showing that you don't care (as demonstrated in the picture), and in fact you are PROUD of the act. Being outright proud of showing your body is the ultimate zen of the church, and the highest [[masturbation|act of worship]]. It is also necessary to [[smile]] at the pagan onlookers, preferably while putting hands on the hips (with a 35° bend at the elbow) and jutting out the breasts (with a 15° reverse-bend at the elbow) - a posture of defiance adopted by other churches as well. The posture is said to have derived from [[Joan of Arc]]. ''For further proud postures contact: [[Sophia]]''.
 
  
===Go Sheer===
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TIn English, the word "church" means different things to different people in different contexts. It can be used in reference to a gathering of people for a religious meeting. It is also sometimes used to refer to a building or group of buildings, and occasionally it refers to an entire [[denomination]]. It can also be used in an institutional sense to refer to all churches, such as "... the church today...."
[[Image:BoDerek.jpg|thumb|left|100px|'''''Position 07''''']]
 
{{q|I believe in what I see, feel, grop, tease or lick. The rest is metaphysical crap. Seeing is sizing up.|Isaac Newton|[[Science]]}}
 
  
This particular method has been around much longer than the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips. Some heretic researchers tend to quote it as a proof that there are many pre-christian worship methods assimilated in the church. References of [[Roman]] and [[Hindu]] devotees wearing sheer see-through clothes has repeatedly surfaced in this line of argument. Chiffon, muslin, georgette and other fabric material are necessary for this practice, often in conjunction with water. The highest congregration practicing this worship method is known as the [[Wet T-Shirt Contest]], an annual mass of '''Wet T-Shirt Contestants''' is called [[Spring Break]].
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===[[Nature of the Church]]===
  
==<font color ="Blue">Modern Methods of Worship</font>==
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There are a variety of understandings about what the church actually is.  
===Lie Down===
 
[[Image:Carmene.jpg|thumb|left|120px|'''''Position 08''''']]
 
{{q|Thou shall not lie without a profit.|God|[[Business]]}}
 
This reqiures a horizontal position (as demonstrated in the picture), prefferably with 15° to 35° tilt of torso and a 30° to 65° bend of one or both knees facing upwards. The head may be kept in alignment with the body, or swung not more than 45° to any side. Placing hands over the genital and/or one or both breasts is not prohibited. Keeping the knees at least 19 centimeters apart is highly recommended. The Softcore School argues for strategic use of sheets, while the Hardcore School argues for a [[dildo]].
 
  
===Stand Up===
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The context in which the word [[ekklesia]] (church) is used in the Bible suggests that it was not originally intended to mean a building or an organization, but instead was intended to primarily mean a congregation or meeting of God's people. Thus the church, although consisting of the community of believers, is not simply the community of believers, but also includes activity.
[[Image:00618 00390m 122 523lo.jpg|thumb|right|85px|'''''Position 09''''']]
 
{{q|Get up stand up, stand up for your right. Sit down you clown, sit down for your left.|Bob Marley|[[Voodoo]]}}
 
This is the most difficult of all methods of worship, as it requires no bending, sawying, tilting, swinging or nudging. In fact it stands against the all the familiar and popular activities associated with other methods. Sometimes the worshipper may take take a break to perform some bending or tilting (as demonstrated in the picture), but it is generally advised against. Best results are achieved without any use of an outside object, i.e. pubic hair, dildo, nipple-ring, clit-ring, shit/sheet, hard hat, hard on or push-up bra. It is commonly practiced en mass at festivals like [[Springbreak]], [[Mardi Gras]] and [[Carnival]]. Temples of Window in the Holy District of Red Lights feature the most avid practitioners. An expression of orgasmic pleasure and/or pathological pain is optional.
 
  
===Stuff In===
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Furthermore, although consisting of people, the church is not simply an instution created by people. In [[Matthew 16:18]] Jesus spoke about building '''his''' church and later, in [[Matthew 18:20]] he spoke about being present among the church
[[Image:Panib.jpg|thumb|left|100px|'''''Position 10''''']]
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: ''{{Bible verse|matthew|16|18|lang=WEB}}'' (Matthew 16:18)
{{q|Got any stuff?|Harry Potter|[[Magic]]}}
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: ''{{Bible verse|matthew|18|20|lang=WEB}}'' (Matthew 18:20)
This requires a massive amount of [[silicon]], sometimes up to 11 tonnes, stuffed into the [[boobs]], the holiest of body parts. The result is such that a slip is achieved without trying. In fact, with this method, a slip can not be avoided anywhere for more than 9.2 minutes, a record established by Saint Spears at some concert or other. But even Saint Spears could achieve that timing only once. Saint [[Pamela Anderson|Anderson]] is the most famous practitioner of this method. It implies a strong spinal column, stronger home videos and cuts into back muscles made by over-taxed bra straps. Many of the practitioners are known to wear dress tops only when the law requires it.
 
  
==<font color ="Blue">Cases against Worship</font>==
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The Bible uses the term church in both a local and universal nature. Mostly the word refers to local churches, for example, the church in Rome or Antioch. Quite often it is spoken about the plural. On a few occasions the New Testament uses the word in a general or universal sense.
===Dangle Extra===
 
[[Image:3tetas.jpg|thumb|right|80px|'''''Case 01''''']]
 
{{q|[[Me]] three.|Moe|the Three Stooges}}
 
Anyone with more than two tits is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. The first and last time it was attempted, at a [[Soccer]] match between [[Manchester United]] and [[Chelsea]] half of the fans/hooligans stormed out of the stadium, and the other half wanted to play, not with the ball out on the field, but with those showcased on the flasher's chest. The following commotion comvinced Saint Lohan and the church that this should be made the primary case against worship.
 
  
===Round Off===
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Throughout church history, starting with [[Augustine]], the church has sometimes been spoken about in terms of the "invisible church" as opposed to the "visible church". The invisible church basically means the community or collection of true believers in Jesus regardless of denominational affiliation. The term visible church is used to refer to the physical countable members or leaders that make up a church or group of churches. Many Protestant churches tend to emphasize the invisible church, and view this as something quite distinct from the visible church. The Roman Catholic Church, on the other hand, teaches that the invisible church and visible church are very closely connected, although there is recognition that some elements of the invisible church can be present outside the visible Roman Catholic church.<ref>[[Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith]]: [http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_20070629_responsa-quaestiones_en.html Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine of the Church], 2007, second and third question.</ref>
[[Image:516 G.sized.jpg|thumb|left|90px|'''''Case 02''''']]
 
{{q|I make the world go round.|Yoko Ono|Rock n Roll}}
 
Anyone with a hip circumference of more than one meter is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. Once common among non-believers from [[Palestine]], who never had a hip less than two meter in circumference, it used to be a popular sport for girls from [[Canada]]. Many of them had made abundant use of silicon to increase hip size. When an Order of Bubble Butts was proposed to the church, it came the notice of Saint Lohan, and was promptly prohibited.
 
  
===Sprouting Man===
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===[[Mission of the church]]===
[[Image:Moogawoogette.jpg|thumb|right|110px|'''''Case 03''''']]
 
{{q|My man, you're a man.|Freddy Mercury|[[Grace Jones]]}}
 
Worship is generally prohibited for men who has sprouted boobs, or are owners of cute bubble butts. This prohibition is laxed only in the case of men who have been admitted into the '''Sisterhood''' and worships only in front of Dragqueens or in [[Gay Bar]]s. There have been an ecclesiastical battle going against [[Church of the Gay Bar]] around this prohibition. The artist formerly known as Prince and David Bowie has been in the forefornt of the movement to demand a sanction of worship for sprouting men. Though the movement is strongly suppoerted by [[Oprah]], it is yet to be ratified by the [[Pope]].
 
  
 +
The church's mission can be summarized as to bring glory to God through humanity mirroring God’s own holy character of love<ref>[[Stanley J. Grenz]], ''[[Theology for the Community of God]]'' (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing, 2000), 489.</ref>. This involves:
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# Honourable worship to God
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# Building up of each other within the church
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# Reaching out into the world through service and evangelism
  
{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] Extra}}
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===[[Church building]]===
  
==A bullshit collection of banners that don't add any value to the page whatsoever, but it the collection is put together in the belive that nobody really gives a shit about banners at the bottom of the page anyways==
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Christians worhsip in church buildings. Although the [[Church]] (the people that belong to [[Jesus]]) can meet anywhere, they have since early times built buildings specifically for worshipping [[God]] in. There are many well known church buildings around the world such as [[St. Peter's Basilica]] in [[Rome]]. A common architecture for churches is a building in the shape of a cross, often with a dome or other large vaulted space in the interior to represent or draw attention to the heavens.
{{Insane}}
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{{Bat Fuck Insane}}
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====Photos of church buildings====
{{Ape-Shit Crazy}}
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{{Some Bullshit}}
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<center><gallery>
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Image:DCP 4427.jpg|The main church in [[Echmiadzin]], the physical centre of the [[Armenian Orthodox Church]]
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Image:Wittenburg church door gg.jpg|The door of the famous church in [[Wittenburg]] where [[Martin Luther]] is thought to have nailed his [[95 Theses]] to the door
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Image:Olney church.jpg|The church in [[Olney]] where [[John Newton]], author of the hymn [[Amazing Grace (song)|Amazing Grace]] worked
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Image:Stanfordmemorialchurch.jpg|Stanford Memorial Church in [[California]]
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Image:Trinity baptist colonel light gardens.jpg|A small local church, [[Trinity Baptist Church (Colonel Light Gardens, South Australia)|Trinity Baptist Church]] in [[Adelaide]], [[Australia]], once known as the "City of Churches"
 +
Image:Église Collégiale Sainte Marthe (Tarascon).jpg|The Église Collégiale Sainte Marthe in [[Tarascon]], [[France]]
 +
</gallery></center>
 +
 
 +
===[[Church history]]===
 +
 
 +
Since the church was formed after the resurrection of Jesus, major events and conflict, often over matters of [[doctrine]] have resulted in significant rifts. Initially the early Christians spread the good news of Jesus throughout the Roman empire and small congregations of Christians sprang up in many towns. Rome soon became the geographical centre of the church. However, there was a rift between the Church in Greece and the one in Rome that slowly developed over centuries culminating in a schism in 1054 AD. Later, in sixteenth century, Christians in northern Europe split from the Roman church, an event known as the [[Reformation]]. Today there seems to be a bewildering array of [[denominations]]. Some of the larger ones include [[Roman Catholicism]], the Greek and Russian [[Eastern Orthodox|Orthodox]] churches and the wide variety of [[Protestant]] churches.
 +
 
 +
==Quotes==
 +
 
 +
[[Once a Catholic]] by [[Tony Coffey]]
 +
: The church is not a building. Nor is it an organisation or human institution. The church is simply the people whose sins have been forgiven through their faith Jesus Christ.
 +
 
 +
Lenny Bruce
 +
: Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
 +
 
 +
Charles de Lint
 +
: Why did men worship in churches, locking themselves away in the dark, when the world lay beyond its doors in all its real glory?
 +
 
 +
Robert Short
 +
: The church is the great lost and found department.
 +
 
 +
Ralph Waldo Emerson
 +
: I like the silence of a church, before the service begins better than any preaching.
 +
 
 +
George Mueller
 +
: An unvisited church will sooner or later become an unhealthy church.
 +
 
 +
Ignatius of Antioch
 +
: Where the bishop, there the church (''Ubi episcopus, ibi ecclesia.'')
 +
 
 +
Eugene de Mazenod
 +
: To love Jesus Christ means to love the church
 +
 
 +
== References ==
 +
 
 +
<references />
 +
 
 +
==Links==
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* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church Wikipedia - Church]
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* [http://sharingknowledge.org/wb/pages/bible-teachings/fundamental-doctrines.php Sharing knowledge - Church]
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{{returnto}} [[Christianity]]
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[[Category:Theology]]

Latest revision as of 12:01, 26 May 2021

The church is not a building. Nor is it an organisation or human institution. The church is simply the people whose sins have been forgiven through their faith Jesus Christ... (An extract from the book Once a Catholic by Tony Coffey)

Church / Ecclesiology
Christians at Lourdes.
RELATED TOPICS
SERMONS, ESSAYS AND OPINIONS
CONTENTS

The word church is used in many different ways. The church is the Christian community of believers, that is, it is the people. Sometimes the word church is also used to refer to a church building (the building used in Christian worship) or a church service (the weekly meeting of a group of Christians in a church building) or to a church denomination.

Ecclesiology means the study of the doctrine of the church.

Etymology

The Greek word ekklesia (Εκκλησια) is translated as "church" in English.

This word ekklesia was used in ancient Greek to mean "gathering" or "assembly" in a political sense. In the ancient Greek translation of the Old Testament, the LXX, the word ekklesia occurs over 200 times (usually as a translation from the Hebrew word qahal), most commonly to refer to the assembly of the covenant people of God. In the New Testament the word ekklesia occurs in the gospels only twice (Matthew 16:16 and Matthew 18:20), but it occurs many times elsewhere in the New Testament.

From the Greek root ekklesia, the English word Ecclesiology is derived, which is the study of the doctrine of the church.

The English word "church" itself is actually derived from the Old English word "cirice" (which is related to the Greek word "κυριακή" which means "of the Lord")

Uses of the word "church" in common English

TIn English, the word "church" means different things to different people in different contexts. It can be used in reference to a gathering of people for a religious meeting. It is also sometimes used to refer to a building or group of buildings, and occasionally it refers to an entire denomination. It can also be used in an institutional sense to refer to all churches, such as "... the church today...."

Nature of the Church

There are a variety of understandings about what the church actually is.

The context in which the word ekklesia (church) is used in the Bible suggests that it was not originally intended to mean a building or an organization, but instead was intended to primarily mean a congregation or meeting of God's people. Thus the church, although consisting of the community of believers, is not simply the community of believers, but also includes activity.

Furthermore, although consisting of people, the church is not simply an instution created by people. In Matthew 16:18 Jesus spoke about building his church and later, in Matthew 18:20 he spoke about being present among the church

I also tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my assembly, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. (Matthew 16:18)
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20)

The Bible uses the term church in both a local and universal nature. Mostly the word refers to local churches, for example, the church in Rome or Antioch. Quite often it is spoken about the plural. On a few occasions the New Testament uses the word in a general or universal sense.

Throughout church history, starting with Augustine, the church has sometimes been spoken about in terms of the "invisible church" as opposed to the "visible church". The invisible church basically means the community or collection of true believers in Jesus regardless of denominational affiliation. The term visible church is used to refer to the physical countable members or leaders that make up a church or group of churches. Many Protestant churches tend to emphasize the invisible church, and view this as something quite distinct from the visible church. The Roman Catholic Church, on the other hand, teaches that the invisible church and visible church are very closely connected, although there is recognition that some elements of the invisible church can be present outside the visible Roman Catholic church.[1]

Mission of the church

The church's mission can be summarized as to bring glory to God through humanity mirroring God’s own holy character of love[2]. This involves:

  1. Honourable worship to God
  2. Building up of each other within the church
  3. Reaching out into the world through service and evangelism

Church building

Christians worhsip in church buildings. Although the Church (the people that belong to Jesus) can meet anywhere, they have since early times built buildings specifically for worshipping God in. There are many well known church buildings around the world such as St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. A common architecture for churches is a building in the shape of a cross, often with a dome or other large vaulted space in the interior to represent or draw attention to the heavens.

Photos of church buildings

Church history

Since the church was formed after the resurrection of Jesus, major events and conflict, often over matters of doctrine have resulted in significant rifts. Initially the early Christians spread the good news of Jesus throughout the Roman empire and small congregations of Christians sprang up in many towns. Rome soon became the geographical centre of the church. However, there was a rift between the Church in Greece and the one in Rome that slowly developed over centuries culminating in a schism in 1054 AD. Later, in sixteenth century, Christians in northern Europe split from the Roman church, an event known as the Reformation. Today there seems to be a bewildering array of denominations. Some of the larger ones include Roman Catholicism, the Greek and Russian Orthodox churches and the wide variety of Protestant churches.

Quotes

Once a Catholic by Tony Coffey

The church is not a building. Nor is it an organisation or human institution. The church is simply the people whose sins have been forgiven through their faith Jesus Christ.

Lenny Bruce

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Charles de Lint

Why did men worship in churches, locking themselves away in the dark, when the world lay beyond its doors in all its real glory?

Robert Short

The church is the great lost and found department.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like the silence of a church, before the service begins better than any preaching.

George Mueller

An unvisited church will sooner or later become an unhealthy church.

Ignatius of Antioch

Where the bishop, there the church (Ubi episcopus, ibi ecclesia.)

Eugene de Mazenod

To love Jesus Christ means to love the church

References

Links



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