Difference between revisions of "Christianity"

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'''Warning! Reasoned discussion with a Christian may cause Atheism!!!'''
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{{quote | text={{Bible verse|John|3|16|lang=WEB}}   [[John 3:16]]}}
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{{Jesus Approved}}
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{{Infobox_Contents |
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{{Blasphemy}}
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  topic_name = Christianity
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{{Kansas}}
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[[Image:Christians at lourdes.jpg|thumb|center|Christians in a procession at [[Lourdes]].]] |
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{{Unchristianity}}
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  subtopics = [[God]], [[Jesus Christ]], [[Essence of Christianity]]
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{{Finding God}}
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* [[Bible]], [[Christian literature, art, music and media]]
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* [[Church]], [[Church history]], [[Denominations]]
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* [[Famous Christians]]
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* [[Christian doctrine and debates]], [[Grace]], [[Love]]
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* [[Current issues]], [[News]]
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* [[Cults and other religions]]
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* [[Places]], [[Mission]], [[World-wide church directory]] |
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opinion_pieces = {{short_opinions}} |
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}}
  
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{{Q|Remember, a Christian's strength flows from the Bible. But beware. Criticism, questioning, reason. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.|Yoda|the dark side*}}
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Christianity is the world's most widely practiced [[religion]] and although it has many [[denomination]]s and great diversity, all Christians are united in [[Jesus Christ]]. At the heart of Christianity is a loving creator [[God]] who is also our redeemer.
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{{Q|Reason is the path to the dark side. Reason leads to thinking. Thinking leads to questioning. Questioning leads to science. [[Science]]... leads to suffering.|Yoda|science*}}
 
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<blockquote><sup>''* Note: Yoda was bribed by the Catholic church to say these things; therefore they should be taken with a grain of salt.''</sup></blockquote>
 
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{{Q|YOU STOLE OUR HOLIDAYS!|Pagans|Christian holidays}}
 
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----
 
  
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'''Christianity''' (also known as '''Godism''' for appearance of god named God) is possibly the most confused religion of all time. It generally believed to have arisen when a publicity stunt by the Carpenters' Guild of Ancient Israel got out of hand. '''God''' has no affiliation with this organization and when he found out his son '''Jesus''' had helped the Carpenters he gave him a good spanking. By then however it was too late as the Italians had gotten hold of it and begun to take the joke seriously. Interestingly enough, nobody questions the worshiping of a zombie.
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===Etymology===
  
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Christianity is one of the most common forms of the disease [[religion|Religion]]. Symptoms of the virus include starving yourself until you pray to your food, having delusions that a superhuman being created the entire fucking [[universe]], smiling like an [[asshole]], giving away money to money depositories(Churches), feelings of guilt, [[semen]] back-up, no apparent attraction to the opposite sex, no sense of humor, and [[AIDS]].
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The name "Christianity" comes from the [[Koine Greek|Greek]] word [[Christos]], meaning "annointed", a reference to [[Jesus]].
  
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In summary, Christianity can be defined as the belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. And it's even worse if you are a <span class="sigexpand"><span style="color:#0000FF">born-again christian</span><span class="sighidden"> such as Camilla Gale and Phedre Nicholson, and that Zimbabwean girl as well!</span></span>
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===[[Essence of Christianity]]===
  
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==The History==
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[[Christianity]] is about [[God]] reaching out his hand in friendship to mankind. Christians believe that the whole world and everything in it was created by God. God is a personal being, and by some mystery that we cannot understand, he is three, yet one: [[God the Father|Father]], [[Jesus|Son]] and [[Holy Spirit|Spirit]] (see the [[Trinity]]). He created people in his image, to [[love]] him. Yet every person has rebelled against God. Yet instead of turning his back on us, God became a man, [[Jesus]], who was born about 4 BC and lived among us. He taught a message of love throughout Palestine but public opinion turned against him and he was executed as a young man. He died because of us - the death that we should have died. He was crucified on a cross, but he rose from the dead, and now calls us to trust him, to love him and to [[repent]] of our rebellion. If we do this, then we our relationship with God becomes restored and we will live forever with God.
  
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A long time ago, there was this white man with blue eyes called [[Jesus]] Of Nazareth (reportedly, the name "[[Jesus]]" was given to his parents by a man in an angel costume, while "Nazareth" may or may not allude to a small town in Israel. It is debated as to what "Of" refers).<math>1</math> At this point, history becomes a bit sketchy; most references are clear on the points that Mr. of Nazareth preached and taught over the hills and through the woods of Galilee and Judea, developing a rather large following of people drawn to his promises of blessing all believers with Kingdoms and Pacemakers. It should be noted at this point that many historians regard Christianity as simply a very tasteless joke. It is also widely held as true that towards the end of his ministry, Jesus did indeed get sacrificed to Manbearpigs by the Romans, as told in this children's rhyme:
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Many non-Christians may think that being a Christian is about belonging to a particular [[church]] or following a certain set of rule. Most Christians however would agree that at its root, being a Christian means to be in a living relationship with [[Jesus Christ]].  
  
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''Jesus and Jill''
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====[[Love]]====
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{{Jesussays|That's the truth. Jill tripped me.}}
 
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''Went up the hill''
 
  
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''To fetch baptismal water''
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An underlying theme of Christianity is love, in particular, God's love for people. [[1 John 3:16]] tells us that Jesus' love was so great that he lay down his life for his us
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: ''{{Bible verse|1 John|3|16|lang=WEB}}
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Early in the [[New Testament]] Jesus summarized the Law, saying that we should love God, and love our neighbour, in [[Mark 12]]:28-30
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: ''{{Bible verse|mark|12|28|lang=WEB}}''
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: ''{{Bible verse|mark|12|29|lang=WEB}}''
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: ''{{Bible verse|mark|12|30|lang=WEB}}''
  
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''Jesus fell down''
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====[[Grace]]====
  
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''and lost his Crown''
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Another key concept in Christianity is grace. Grace is [[God]]'s [[love]] poured out on undeserving humanity. The doctrine about grace teaches us that although all people have fallen short of the glory of God and have [[sin]]ned and turned away from God, God loves us still. Nothing we do can restore us to a right relationship with God. It is only through faith in [[Jesus Christ]], in his death and resurrection that we can return to God. This gift of restoration of right relationship with God is called grace.
  
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''but came back a few days after.''
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===[[Bible]]===
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[[Image:Biblewithlight.jpg|thumb|An open Bible.]]
  
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Modern interpreters see this as allegory for Jesus's supposed asphyxiation on a cross on a hill and subsequent (reported) resurrection, wherein he was resurrected. There is no common consensus as to who "Jill" is or what the bloody hell she's doing in this rhyme.
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The Bible is the collection of documents acknowledged by Christians to be inspired by God. It contains 66 books and is divided into the [[Old Testament]] and the [[New Testament]]. It tells of the story of the [[creation]] of the universe and [[man]] by [[God]], the rebellion of man against God and his rescue plan for humanity through his Son, [[Jesus Christ]]. It tells of the history of the nation of Israel leading up to the time of Jesus, and then the formation of the early church following Jesus. Not only does it record history, it also contains stories and parables, poetry, proverbs and prophecy.
  
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<math>1</math> According to [[prophecy]], Jesus was to be called "Emmanuel," but as that didn't happen, his biographers stuck in a line about an [[angel]] rolling in, calling him E-man, and bolting out the back door. This would be the last use of the word in the [[Gospel]], but it made [[Matthew]] very happy, so they kept it.
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===[[Church]]===
  
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A simplified biography written by Joseph, one of Jesus's homies states " Jesus was a simple man, traveling the world, putting things right where they had gone wrong, and all the time hoping that each leap of faith would be his last."
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A [[church building]] is a building used in [[Christian]] [[worship]]. The term church also refers to the combined Christian community of believers.
  
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[[Image:Trinity.png|thumb|The Trinity Business Model of Christianity]]
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====[[Church history]]====
  
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===History of Christianity, according to Whackjobs and sexual perverts.===
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Since the [[church]] was formed, major events and conflict, often over matters of [[doctrine]] have resulted in significant rifts in the church. One of the most notable debates in the Christian church has been the debate about [[salvation]] (being saved) by faith alone (belief in Jesus and nothing else) or through faith and good works (belief in Jesus ''and'' performing good deeds). This debate was the key issue in the [[Reformation]] of the sixteenth century and lead to the split of the [[Roman Catholic Church]] with the formation of [[Protestant]] churches such as the [[Lutheranism|Lutheran Church]].
  
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A false devil twisted [[Islam]], the one true religion. From that perversion sprung the [[Christian]]s, unbelievers who deny the one true [[religion]], Islam. This despite the fact that they may be able to point out when and how the universe was created, but are unable to state WHY. The [[Pope Fuck|Pope]] himself made this point. Despite so much being unknown about what reality actually is, how it came into being, how colors, morality, love, the fabric of space and time 'happened', they consider themselves smarter than any true faith bearing person, and pretty much anyone else they happen across. The one true god, Allah, hates the Christians, despite what they may think. Ironically, they are usually more militant about their false belief than faith bearing people are about their true faith. The one redeeming feature of Christians is that they are not Jewish.
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====[[Denominations]]====
  
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The Christians are this way for two reasons:
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Although there is only one [[Catholic]] [[Church]], there are tens of thousands of [[Christian]] denominations or churches. These denominations have formed and divided since the time of [[Christ]], because Christians have had differences in beliefs and practices. Some of the main groups include [[Eastern Orthodoxy]], [[Roman Catholicism]] and the [[Protestant churches]] and [[Pentecostal churches]].
  
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1) They have not been told the truth that [[Allah]] sent his Prophet, [[Muhammad]](Police Be Upon Him), to all the peoples of the [[Earth]] to spread the true religion. They do not know yet that there has been a holy message in order to lift their sins from them and that they can be REWARDED eternally if they simply open their hearts to Allah.
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[[Image:Mount sinai.jpg|thumb|Sunrise at Mount Sinai in Egypt]]
  
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2) They are aware of the truth regarding Islam and Allah but are simply too afraid of how to go about "becoming" a Muslim or what people will think of them if they do that they brush off religion as "unproven" and prefer to justify every teeny tiny amazing aspect of beauty on this planet as a work of "Jesus", the Mexican son of a dirty whore, and pretend to feel content.
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===[[Christian literature, art, music and media]]===
  
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There is absolutely NOTHING that can fill the emptiness of the human soul completely except for Allah. DO NOT settle for being a Christian when there is something truly so much better out there, such as crack cocaine.
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Throughout church history, people have devoted themselves to great works of literature and art for God's glory and honour. Today, a [[:Category:Media_Workers|number of Christians]] are creating works of art in a variety of media, music and visual mediums.
  
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===History of Christianity, a Christian View===
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====[[Christian music]]====
  
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{|width="50%" align="center" cellspacing="3" style="border: 1px solid #C0C090; background-color: #F8EABA; margin-bottom: 3px;"
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Since Christians have met together, they have sung to God and about God. Early Jewish Christians probably sung [[psalms]]. In later centuries, monophonic [[Gregorian chants]] were widely sung. During and following the Protestant [[Reformation]], hundreds of [[hymns]] were written by men like [[Martin Luther]] and [[Charles Wesley]]. In recent decades, [[Contemporary Christian Music]], Christian music in rock style, has become increasingly popular. Today, a [[:Category:Music|number of Christians]] are creating music in a variety of genres.
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|align="center"|[[Image:Stop_hand.png]] '''THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANS ''ACTUALLY'' BELIEVE!'''
 
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[[Image:gods-light.jpg|thumb|right|300px|''Goatse-man spawning The J-man. Picture taken from the [[time travel|time traveler]] [[Dr Who]], to disprove Mary's existence'']]
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====[[Christian movies]]====
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Christianity began when [[God]] (known to Reformed and Reconstructionist Jews as 'Yah-sh-weh', [[Hebrew]] for, "Look at this! Now ''I'm'' gonna have to clean it up!" Orthodox and Conservative Jews hold to the older, more traditional translation of "---.") took human form in order to fulfill his own damn Law; he's that much of a hardass about doing things "by the Book." In its place, after taking into account [[humankind]]'s complete inability to govern their own morality even after the hardest punishments (flood, exodus), [[God]] put into place a "new" law, which consisted primarily of the commandments to "Love Me Above Everything Else", "Love Each Other as You Love Yourself", and "Do Others as You'd Have Them Do You". (This last commandment, unfortunately, failed to take into account the little-spoken-of fact that [[humans]] hate themselves.)
 
  
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[[Image:Kitty.jpg|thumb|right|300px|If you're not a Christian you hate Kittens. You don't hate kittens, do you?]]
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Some of the most well-known movies have strong [[Christian]] themes. One of the earliest Christian movies was [[The Ten Commandments (movie)|The Ten Commandments]] by [[Cecil B. DeMill]]. In 2004, [[The Passion of the Christ]], describing the night of [[Jesus]]' death was a film that made a world-wide impact. In 2005, the movie [[The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe]] was being released based on the famous book by [[C.S. Lewis]]. Today, a [[:Category:Film|number of Christians]] are producing films in a variety of genres.
  
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- He also spent some of his free time doing freelance detective work, during which time he uncovered vast [[Mafia]]-linked corruption within the Temple Money-changer's Jurisdiction (TMJ), kingpinned by the notorious Zionist gangster [[Elijah]] (friend of Meyer Lansky). He spent most of his time, however, traveling the countryside spouting off such drivel as "The meek shall inherit the Earth," a balls-to-the-wall claim that most modern interpreters judge to be a prophecy that would occur as a result of the [[dicks]] of the world killing each other off while the supposedly more peaceable 'believers' sit around and watch.
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====[[Christianity and the Internet]]====
  
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[[Image:Jesus2.gif|thumb|left|300px|A Jesus Christ action figure from the table-top game 'Dark Crusades'.]]
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Since the beginning of the world wide web, Christians have been involved in creating websites dedicated to different aspects of [[Christianity]]. Some of the most important ones have been sites containing the [[Bible]] in different versions like [[BibleGateway]] ([http://www.biblegateway.com biblegateway.com]). Today, a [[:Category:Media_Workers|number of Christians]] are creating web sites, applications and social networking resources.
  
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As is to be expected, Jesus, or 'the artist formerly known as god' as he liked to be called, was considered a kook by local authorities and hated by his own townspeople, who objected not primarily to his wandering, babbling message, but to its mode: apparently, it was very difficult for visitors seeking Jesus to find him, as any self-respecting homeless person will wander and babble. This led to locals being barraged by visitors with a litany of "Have you found Jesus?" (It is worth mentioning that this practice is both the source of the modern Christian liturgical practice of "litany," which, roughly translated, means "incessantly long repetition of incantations by a cantor who'd be better off running the local auction, and not very on-key at that," as well as the current practice of the [[Jehovah's Witnesses|Jehosephat's Witnesses]], who commemorate what they call "The Babylonian Captivity" by traveling door-to-door re-enacting the visitor's request of "Have you found Jesus" to any who will listen.)
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===[[Religious clothing and symbols]]===
  
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Jesus was, sadly, killed for all this nonsense. He was so perturbed at the inconvenience that he done straight rose his ass up out the ground after three days, and spent the next forty days or so trying to sort things out. Sensing that his efficacy was coming to a close, he gathered his twelve closest pals and, cried one last time, with the last, inspiring words of ''"Fuck this shit, you guys figure it out,"'' he grabbed the last train for Heaven. He reportedly promised to visit "sometime before all of his closest pals keeled over," but the vagueness of that time-frame has been the subject of much debate.
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There are no requirements in [[Christianity]] about what we should wear, although, in many denominations there are special uniforms for those involved in the organisation and running of the denomination. Many Christians also wear symbols of their faith, such as a cross or [[crucifix]]. In many countries with predominant [[Eastern Orthodox]] and [[Roman Catholic]] populations, people may erect a [[shrine]] or symbol of an aspect of their faith that is important to them. In the [[Reformation]], there was a backlash against these symbols which were often seen as [[idol]]s.
  
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Over the course of the years, Christians have been persecuted by agents of the devil simply for their faith. Nero, an agent of the devil, both persecuted them and saved some money on lion food at the same time. Diocletian, another agent of the devil, killed a whole bunch of them too. Finally, Julian the Apostate, yet another agent of the devil, tried to extinguish Christianity in favor of the terrible, child-sacrificing, horrific heathen pagan monstrosity that called itself a religion. But joyfully, all of these agents of the devil could not stop the one true religion, which began to spread.
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===[[Christian doctrine and debates]]===
  
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There were a lot of wars with the agents of the devil, who call themselves Muslims, around the 1300s.
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Doctrine means a set of beliefs or teaching. Various [[Creeds]] and catechisms have been written as statements of the beliefs of different Christians. Today there are still considerable differences in understanding on major themes in Christianity like [[justification]], [[salvation]] and [[grace]].
  
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There were some more wars with Catholics/Protestants, who were agents of the devil as well (please select "Catholic" if you are a Protestant, and so on).
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Christians believe in one God who is yet three persons as described above. They also believe that [[Jesus]] was both a man and both God, and that he bore the [[sin]]s of mankind on the cross and was resurrected three days later.
  
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Finally, Christianity is coming under attack by agents of the devil who also go by the name [[homosexuals]].
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Christianity is primarily are religion of [[love]]. It is about God's love for us, and our response. We are asked to respond by loving God with our whole hearts, and loving our neighbours, including our enemies, as ourselves.
  
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Soon, Jesus will appear and kill all of the infidels and take the believers to Heaven. Amen.
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However, the Bible also makes clear that the every person has rebelled against God and sins. In the [[Romans|Book of Romans]] it says that "all have sinned". Later however, the author goes on to tell us that we can be forgiven and appear without sin before God, and that this is through the faith in [[Jesus]] and his death and resurrection.
  
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'''Please note: the preceding is what Christians actually believe.'''
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===The [[Persecuted Church]], [[Mission]] and [[Places|Christianity around the world]]===
  
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===History of Man, the China mans' View===
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The world's 5 inhabited continents contain almost 7 billion people. The population is increasing rapidly, and it doubled between 1960 and 2000. There are 237 independent states. 66 of these have significant restrictions on religious belief. About 30% of the world's population call themselves [[Christian]] (2 billion people), 20% call themselves [[Muslim]] (1.3 billion people), 15% are [[non-religious]] (1 billion) and 13% call themselves [[Hindu]]. Although [[Europe]] is rapidly becoming secular and non-religious, the majority of Christians live in areas where European settlement or missionary work has been significant. [[Asia]] is the least evangelized continent. Of Christians, there are about 1 billion [[Roman Catholic]], 700 million [[Protestant]] and 550 million [[Eastern Orthodox]] Christians. Also see [[Christianity by country]]
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There was a year looong ago when god made the people. He not know what he do at the beginning. First he made the black man in the oven but he overcooked them. Then he made the white man, he wasn't cooked enough. Then he made the Chinaman and he got everything wight. No problem wit' the Chinaman, I would know, I one too. I speak English good.
 
  
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===History of Christianity, a Random View===
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==Quotes==
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God and the [[Devil]] are in actual fact one and the same. [[Hell]] was created when God got mad and burnt Earth's sister planet. That is why he didn't burn Earth, and instead flooded it. God loves the game Doom. He just [[love|loves]] blasting his [[demons|minions]] to Hell, literally. God hates Christians as they got rid of human sacrifices and instead replaced them with pitiful [[communion|vegetarian]] style. Some say God got rid of them. LIES, it was [[albinos]] with a bulbous head.
 
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===History of Christianity, an Atheist's View===
 
  
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Atheists believe the Jesus character in the original draft of the Bible was to have been a stone cutter by profession instead of a carpenter. This was changed at the last minute after a local furniture dealer struck a lucrative product placement deal with the publishers.
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''John Lennon'' - Evening Standard (London, 4 March 1966)
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Other changes that differentiate the final production from the first draft include;
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: [[Christianity]] will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than [[Jesus]] now; I don't know which will go first — rock and roll or Christianity.
  
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*Judas was originally named Benedict. This was reworked after it was discovered that the name was to be used as the protagonist in another novel under development.
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''[[C.S. Lewis]]''
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*Gold, silver and bronze gave way to Gold, frankincense and myrrh after Olympic committee officials threatened legal action.
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: I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
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*The character of Peter was intended to be extremely gay and hairy, but this aspect of the story was rewritten due to poor test market feedback.
 
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*Mary required re-construction to fulfill her role as a virgin, due to her previous career as a mechanical-bull demonstrator
 
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*The basic theory is that Mary was raped by a Roman officer (who got her pregnant and turned her crazy) and decided to lie to her crazy husband by saying God did it (which he believed). This explains why Jesus is a white guy and not an Arab looking guy and why his parents raised him to be a bit of a weirdo. The reason Jesus' teenage years are edited out of the Bible is because Joseph (who had become an alcoholic) used to beat the crap out of Jesus (who he knew wasn't really his) and Mary (who he believed to be a dirty whore).
 
  
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==Christianity, Symbolism==
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[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]]
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===The Logo===
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: My parents would always tell me that I should not hate the white man, but that it was my duty as a [[Christian]] to love all.
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[[Image:AdorationOfStarch.jpg|thumb|light|300px|''The Adoration of Starch'']]
 
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In order to support marketing, later Christians came to terms on a common Logo for the tradition. In order to express the fundamental Christian tenets of peace, love, and understanding, the logo they chose to represent themselves to the world was none other than the jointure of wood which Jesus was nailed to, bled over, and died on. The initial irony is commonly understood, while, unfortunately, the dual irony is lost on most.
 
  
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[[Image:Jackinthebox.png|left|thumb|112px|Jack in the Box logo hiding the itchy Jesus fish. Can you see it?]]
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==Links==
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===The Jesus Fish===
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* [http://www.askchristians.org AskChristians.org] - Discuss today's toughest topics with those who hold the same beliefs but not necessarily the same ideas!
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The second most important symbol in the Christian Church is the stinky Jesus fish, also known as Ichy something. It was used by Pagans before it was stolen by Christian moms and now the symbol represents the whole religion. The symbol is primarily displayed on cars in form of a cheap sticker or sometimes the more expensive metallic embossed version depending on how fortuned you are in life. People displaying the logo can on an average drive 30 miles per hour faster than the rest as both God, cops, and other Christians will aid them en route. The logo has been used to subliminally lure children and other weak minded people to join Christianity. Jack in the Box is a great example of where the ichy Jesus fish has snuck in to a logotype. Can you see it?
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* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianity Wikipedia - Christianity]
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]
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* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity BBC Religion & Ethics - Christianity]
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* [http://www.thinkapologetics.com ThinkApologetics.com]
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* [http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/Christianity Yahoo Directory on Christianity]
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* [http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03712a.htm CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: Christianity]
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* [http://christianity.about.com/ It's all About Christianity]
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* [http://www.christianforumsite.com/ ChristianForumSite.com] - Post & discuss Christian topics - Bible studies, entertainment, prayer, testimonies, publications and news
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* [http://www.crosssearch.com/ www.crosssearch.com]
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* [http://www.believerscafe.com more than 35,000 free Christian webpages]
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* [http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/christian-resources.html Not Just Bibles A Guide to Christian Resources on the Internet]
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* [http://www.iclnet.org/ The Internet Christian Library]
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* [http://www.crosswalk.com/ crosswalk.com] 
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* [http://www.ccel.org ccel.org Public Domain Christian Repository]
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* [http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/wittenberg-home.html Project Wittenberg - Home to works by and about Martin Luther and other Lutherans]
  
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===Test Marketing===
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{{returnto}} [[Main Page]]
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The original story, despite its catchy logo, did not sell well in its targeted demographic of Israelites. Most Jews were not illiterate fishermen, and could clearly see the part in the Scripture about how the sign of the true Messiah is world peace, universal belief, and a Kosher International sticker on every hot dog. Thing is, [[nobody cares]] what the Jews think! Assistant vice-president of market research Paul Tarsus quickly hit on a winning solution: adding trendy pagan elements like virgin-births and finger-o-death-to-fig-trees combined with a new target demographic (pagan Gentiles) that was almost completely ignorant of Scripture. Hipster pagans all around the Empire were hooked, and before long, Christianity was such a hit that people were literally lashing themselves with whips of thorns and turning themselves in to the authorities to be executed "just like that Jesus dude."
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[[Category:Religions]]
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===Jesus' opinion===
 
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[[Image:Trogdor.png|thumb|The logo of Jesus' choice]]
 
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After a short interview recently, Jesus commented on how he would like to change the symbol of the fish to that of [[Trogdor the Burninator]].  He went on to say that "...After I found out that the fish was being plastered to every bumper of all the devote Christians, I got really pissed and so did God."  He added that "It is bullshit that I didn't get a say in this decision and all those involved got a swift kick in the ass delivered by me personally." After, he changed some water into vodka drank the entire Liter and stormed out of the S&M club.
 
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==Christianity, a Disambiguation==
 
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===The 'Christian' Mafioso===
 
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"Christianity" is also the public codename for an influential mafioso society of prominent American politicians, according to some conspiracy theorists. This group, whose true name is unknown, is purportedly in control of most, if not all, of America's Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of federal government. Their number is said to include: [[George W. Bush]], [[Dick Cheney|Dick "Bullseye" Cheney]], [[Karl Rove|Karl "Not Marx" Rove]], [[Bill Frist]], [[Nancy Pelosi]], [[Orrin Hatch|Orrin "Down The" Hatch]], [[Antoin Levey]], [[Bat-Jesus]], [[Fred Phelps]], [[Jerry Falwell]], [[David Duke]], [[Randall Terry]], [[Antonin Scalia]], [http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/2005/03/ann_coulter_is_.html Al Gore] and [[Clarence Thomas|Clarence "Claymation" Thomas]].
 
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===The 'Christian' Slate===
 
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The term "Christian" can also be applied to any follower of the Church of [[Christian Slater]]. This Cult of Personality meets every third Thursday of the month to watch ''90210'' and ''Hard Rain'', as well as share testimonials of how they came to "find the road to salvation," which they claim comes from the unconditional love of Christian Slater.
 
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===The 'Christian' Stupids===
 
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The other predominant alternate use of the word "Christian" is as a description of someone who has caught a case of the [[Stupids.]] According to the American Medical Association, a person with the Stupids will bear some or all of the following symptoms: They will reject the Old Testament of the [[Bible]], but hold fast to the portions that speak about homosexuality and women having long hair; they may display a tendency to carry around large arsenals of weapons, which they never use on one another, since they will also espouse that killing is wrong; they may, in rare cases, also show a propensity of wearing distinctive clothing made out of the American flag, which they refuse to reconcile with their firm belief that the flag should not, under any circumstances, be altered or cut up. Historians are baffled to explain where any correlation between "Stupid" and "Christianity" came into place, let alone the strange nationalistic tendencies of those with the disease.
 
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===Other Christians===
 
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This includes every other Christian (i.e. unintelligent Christians, Jewish Christians, Christians For Allah, Invisible Christians ). Not only are these types of rare, they generally aren't observed in the wild because all the other sects have more fame, fortune, and airtime. As a side note, these are the most likely sect to get into Allah's Happening Paradise, mainly because they're the best at gambling( a fortunate side effect of applying one self to the art of gambling, and following the ethos of "counting cards", a lifestyle that Jesus himself followed, but most the people who claim to speak for him on TV never do-though they don't stop nagging you about it).
 
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==Ultimate Christianity==
 
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In Normal Continuity, Christianity is re-imagined and is known as [[Catholicism]]. In this version, Jesus was the founder of the faith and the first Catholic, but was brutally executed in [[0]] A.D. under Jesuit Emperor [[Fed Acker Huang]], leading to the '''Jesuit Wars''' among the [[Immortal|Immortals]]. Ultimate Christianity is considerably more cynical than mainstream Christianity, although the art is much better and the churches are unquestionably larger and nicer.
 
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==Christianity, the Miscellanea==
 
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* In order to make penance for some of their greater corporate fuck-ups, such as the [[Crusades]], the [[Spanish Inquisition]], and both the [[Republican]] and [[Democratic]] Parties, the Court of Idiosyncrasy decreed that Christians were to develop and offer to the world the creamy deliciousness of [[Cadbury Creme Eggs]]. Also included in the settlement was the provision that Christians would return the holidays of Christmas and Easter, which they'd won in earlier back room dealings, to the general secular public; the transition has been far from seamless, and even today, many struggle with separating the ideas of 'Christ' and 'Crucifixion' with those of 'Candy' and 'Fat Men.'
 
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* Many misled Christians believe that the Golden Rule (or '11th Commandment' in some circles) reads as: "Though Shalt Not Get Caught." Unfortunately for them, this is the easiest rule to break, and when caught, believe you me, God can be a real pain in the ass.
 
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* According to most media outlets, Christians and Christianity are responsible for AIDS, underage alcoholism, Osama Bin Laden, the Crusades, the Inquisition, racism, slavery, dominionism, conservatives, liberals, and the daily burning of witches. They have also been implicated, but not yet fully charged, with instigating teenage pregnancy, high STD rates, and fucking up the American education system.
 
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* At last report, Jesus was seen at a [[Mariott]] Hotel with [[John Wayne]] and [[Warren Zevon]]. Zevon was waiting for a chariot (he was awaiting his shipment of [[seraphim]] to help make him fly) whilst Jesus and John Wayne were waiting for a train. The ultimate failure of [[Percy Shelley]] and [[John Keats]] as writers and human beings is attributed to this event.
 
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[[Image:Crikey.jpg|left|thumb|95px|Steve Irwin in hell realizing his god was a cheese]]
 
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==Christianity, the Famous Christians==
 
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*[[Hans Christian Andersen]]
 
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*[[Christian Slater]]
 
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*[[Christian Lindemann]]
 
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*[[Christian Ugge]]
 
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*[[Hayden Christensen]]
 
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*[[Christian Smith]]
 
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*[[Christiane Amanpour]]
 
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*[[Dwayne "Calvary" Romine]]
 
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*[[Flanders|Ned Flanders]]
 
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*[[Your mom]]
 
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==Christianity, the Christian Celebrities==
 
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Christianity and celebrity culture are inextricably linked: in fact, in the [[USA]] Christianity is now the second biggest part of the entertainment industry (after [[porn]]).
 
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*[[L. Ron Hubbard]]
 
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*[[Darth Vader|Anakin Skywalker]]
 
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*[[Tom Cruise]]
 
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*[[John Travolta]]
 
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*[[South Park|Isaac Hayes]]
 
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*[[Emperor Palpatine]]
 
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*[[Kirstie Alley]]
 
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==Christianity, the Quotes==
 
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{{Q|The Bible is true because the Bible says so.|The Bible|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|Preach the Gospel everywhere you go, use words if neccessary.|St. Francis|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|A most amiable fellow was Jesus, or J-Dog as he preferred it. Beautiful teachings. Pity he never got around to explaining why God would rather we didn't fellate ourselves.|Oscar Wilde|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|The Beatles were bigger than Jesus!|Popes John, Paul, George & Ringo|The Bible}}
 
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{{Q|It contains the True and Inarguable Truth of God, but it's a fucking boring read and I never got through it myself. |Pope Fuck|The Da Vinci Code}}
 
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{{Q|It is a fact that the only good thing to ever come out of Christianity is [[Mister Rogers]].|JRE|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|Get a pop song, change the word baby to Jesus, and Voila, christian rock! | Eric Cartman|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|I'm sick and tired of all these motherfucking Bibles in my motherfucking hotels!|Samuel L Jackson|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|The Bible doesn't care about black people (No really, it doesn't)|Kanye West|Christianity}}
 
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{{Q|Christians don't believe in gravity!|Peter Griffin|Christianity}}
 
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==Christianity, the Holy See of Alsoioch==
 
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*[[Christians]]
 
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*[[Uber-Christians]]
 
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*[[Xtian]]
 
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*[[Christianism]]
 
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*[[A proper Christian burial]]
 
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*[[Born again]]
 
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*[[Masochristian]]
 
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*[[Islam]]
 
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*[[Catholicism]]
 
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*[[Dan Brown]]
 
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*[[Emo]]
 
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*[[Creationism]]
 
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*[[Jesus]]
 
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*[[God]]
 
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*[[Prostitution in the Christian Religion]]
 
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*[[Jebus]]
 
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*[[Mike Christ]]
 
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*[[Personal Jesus]]
 
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==False Rumors==
 
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* Christianity has NOTHING to do with the Stonecutters from the Simpsons
 
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* Christianity does NOT state that all members live their lives nailed to crosses
 
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* Christians are NOT cleverly disguised Umpa Lumpas
 
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* Christians are QUITE partial to the odd body and blood every now and again
 
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* Christians do NOT believe in White Power
 
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* God is NOT a Christian
 
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* The "Lord" is NOT a holy mannequin of Jeffrey Archer
 
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* There is NO Mrs. God.
 
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==Christianity, the References ==
 
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*[http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/religion/index.html This.] 
 
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*[http://tektonics.org/ That.]
 
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*[http://zephnet.com/?select=zephnetreports&select_term=Religionistas&remove_term=&report_id=4152&docket=1&linkoff=1 Those.]
 
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*[http://www.godhatesfags.com/ The Other Thing.]
 
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*[http://www.solbaram.org/articles/origin.html Something you should know...]
 
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*[http://techref.massmind.org/techref/other/hank.htm The Story Of Hank]
 
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*[http://techref.massmind.org/techref/other/hank.htm The Story Of Hank]
 
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[[Category:Religion]]
 
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[[Category:Gods]]
 
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[[Category:Organizations]]
 
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[[Category:Things_that_may_be_out_to_get_you]]
 
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[[Category:Mythology]]
 
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[[Category:Things controlled by Jews]]
 
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[[no:Kristendom]]
 
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[[ar:مسيحية]]
 
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[[da:Kristendom]]
 
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[[de:Christentum]]
 
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[[el:Χριστιανισμός]]
 
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[[es:Cristianismo]]
 
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[[fi:Kristinusko]]
 
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[[fr:Christianisme]]
 
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[[he:נצרות]]
 
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[[it:Cristianesimo]]
 
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[[ja:キリスト教]]
 
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[[ko:기독교]]
 
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[[nl:Christendom]]
 
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[[pl:Chrześcijaństwo]]
 
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[[pt:Cristianismo]]
 
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[[ru:Христианство]]
 
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[[simple:Christianity]]
 
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[[sv:Kristendom]]
 
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[[th:ศาสนาโอตาคุ]]
 
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[[zh-tw:耶家餅舖]]
 

Revision as of 04:59, 11 October 2015

For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16
Christianity
Christians in a procession at Lourdes.
RELATED TOPICS
SERMONS, ESSAYS AND OPINIONS
CONTENTS

Christianity is the world's most widely practiced religion and although it has many denominations and great diversity, all Christians are united in Jesus Christ. At the heart of Christianity is a loving creator God who is also our redeemer.

Etymology

The name "Christianity" comes from the Greek word Christos, meaning "annointed", a reference to Jesus.

Essence of Christianity

Christianity is about God reaching out his hand in friendship to mankind. Christians believe that the whole world and everything in it was created by God. God is a personal being, and by some mystery that we cannot understand, he is three, yet one: Father, Son and Spirit (see the Trinity). He created people in his image, to love him. Yet every person has rebelled against God. Yet instead of turning his back on us, God became a man, Jesus, who was born about 4 BC and lived among us. He taught a message of love throughout Palestine but public opinion turned against him and he was executed as a young man. He died because of us - the death that we should have died. He was crucified on a cross, but he rose from the dead, and now calls us to trust him, to love him and to repent of our rebellion. If we do this, then we our relationship with God becomes restored and we will live forever with God.

Many non-Christians may think that being a Christian is about belonging to a particular church or following a certain set of rule. Most Christians however would agree that at its root, being a Christian means to be in a living relationship with Jesus Christ.

Love

An underlying theme of Christianity is love, in particular, God's love for people. 1 John 3:16 tells us that Jesus' love was so great that he lay down his life for his us

By this we know love, because he laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

Early in the New Testament Jesus summarized the Law, saying that we should love God, and love our neighbour, in Mark 12:28-30

One of the scribes came, and heard them questioning together. Knowing that he had answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the greatest of all?"
Jesus answered, "The greatest is, 'Hear, Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one:
you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment.

Grace

Another key concept in Christianity is grace. Grace is God's love poured out on undeserving humanity. The doctrine about grace teaches us that although all people have fallen short of the glory of God and have sinned and turned away from God, God loves us still. Nothing we do can restore us to a right relationship with God. It is only through faith in Jesus Christ, in his death and resurrection that we can return to God. This gift of restoration of right relationship with God is called grace.

Bible

An open Bible.

The Bible is the collection of documents acknowledged by Christians to be inspired by God. It contains 66 books and is divided into the Old Testament and the New Testament. It tells of the story of the creation of the universe and man by God, the rebellion of man against God and his rescue plan for humanity through his Son, Jesus Christ. It tells of the history of the nation of Israel leading up to the time of Jesus, and then the formation of the early church following Jesus. Not only does it record history, it also contains stories and parables, poetry, proverbs and prophecy.

Church

A church building is a building used in Christian worship. The term church also refers to the combined Christian community of believers.

Church history

Since the church was formed, major events and conflict, often over matters of doctrine have resulted in significant rifts in the church. One of the most notable debates in the Christian church has been the debate about salvation (being saved) by faith alone (belief in Jesus and nothing else) or through faith and good works (belief in Jesus and performing good deeds). This debate was the key issue in the Reformation of the sixteenth century and lead to the split of the Roman Catholic Church with the formation of Protestant churches such as the Lutheran Church.

Denominations

Although there is only one Catholic Church, there are tens of thousands of Christian denominations or churches. These denominations have formed and divided since the time of Christ, because Christians have had differences in beliefs and practices. Some of the main groups include Eastern Orthodoxy, Roman Catholicism and the Protestant churches and Pentecostal churches.

Sunrise at Mount Sinai in Egypt

Christian literature, art, music and media

Throughout church history, people have devoted themselves to great works of literature and art for God's glory and honour. Today, a number of Christians are creating works of art in a variety of media, music and visual mediums.

Christian music

Since Christians have met together, they have sung to God and about God. Early Jewish Christians probably sung psalms. In later centuries, monophonic Gregorian chants were widely sung. During and following the Protestant Reformation, hundreds of hymns were written by men like Martin Luther and Charles Wesley. In recent decades, Contemporary Christian Music, Christian music in rock style, has become increasingly popular. Today, a number of Christians are creating music in a variety of genres.

Christian movies

Some of the most well-known movies have strong Christian themes. One of the earliest Christian movies was The Ten Commandments by Cecil B. DeMill. In 2004, The Passion of the Christ, describing the night of Jesus' death was a film that made a world-wide impact. In 2005, the movie The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was being released based on the famous book by C.S. Lewis. Today, a number of Christians are producing films in a variety of genres.

Christianity and the Internet

Since the beginning of the world wide web, Christians have been involved in creating websites dedicated to different aspects of Christianity. Some of the most important ones have been sites containing the Bible in different versions like BibleGateway (biblegateway.com). Today, a number of Christians are creating web sites, applications and social networking resources.

Religious clothing and symbols

There are no requirements in Christianity about what we should wear, although, in many denominations there are special uniforms for those involved in the organisation and running of the denomination. Many Christians also wear symbols of their faith, such as a cross or crucifix. In many countries with predominant Eastern Orthodox and Roman Catholic populations, people may erect a shrine or symbol of an aspect of their faith that is important to them. In the Reformation, there was a backlash against these symbols which were often seen as idols.

Christian doctrine and debates

Doctrine means a set of beliefs or teaching. Various Creeds and catechisms have been written as statements of the beliefs of different Christians. Today there are still considerable differences in understanding on major themes in Christianity like justification, salvation and grace.

Christians believe in one God who is yet three persons as described above. They also believe that Jesus was both a man and both God, and that he bore the sins of mankind on the cross and was resurrected three days later.

Christianity is primarily are religion of love. It is about God's love for us, and our response. We are asked to respond by loving God with our whole hearts, and loving our neighbours, including our enemies, as ourselves.

However, the Bible also makes clear that the every person has rebelled against God and sins. In the Book of Romans it says that "all have sinned". Later however, the author goes on to tell us that we can be forgiven and appear without sin before God, and that this is through the faith in Jesus and his death and resurrection.

The Persecuted Church, Mission and Christianity around the world

The world's 5 inhabited continents contain almost 7 billion people. The population is increasing rapidly, and it doubled between 1960 and 2000. There are 237 independent states. 66 of these have significant restrictions on religious belief. About 30% of the world's population call themselves Christian (2 billion people), 20% call themselves Muslim (1.3 billion people), 15% are non-religious (1 billion) and 13% call themselves Hindu. Although Europe is rapidly becoming secular and non-religious, the majority of Christians live in areas where European settlement or missionary work has been significant. Asia is the least evangelized continent. Of Christians, there are about 1 billion Roman Catholic, 700 million Protestant and 550 million Eastern Orthodox Christians. Also see Christianity by country

Quotes

John Lennon - Evening Standard (London, 4 March 1966)

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first — rock and roll or Christianity.

C.S. Lewis

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

My parents would always tell me that I should not hate the white man, but that it was my duty as a Christian to love all.

Links


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